Sunday, 31 December 2017

Empty space

I am both sad and confused.

There was a table full of things for me to flap at, to get attention - plastic sheets, bits of paper, books, envelopes.
My humans appear to have gone mad (again) and removed all of these things from the table - saying something about 'got people coming round' and 'tidying'.

The table is now bare.
I have limited options in terms of flapping things with my paws.

I have found a plant to bite and headphones to flap at.
These will have to do for now.

I hope my humans put things back on the table.
I cannot live in such conditions.

Saturday, 30 December 2017

Looking up

The humans seem to be going to the food room a lot.
They go to the big white thing, and open the door.
The big white thing is full of food... I can smell it.
I can smell ham.
I can smell cheese.
I can smell chicken.

When they go to the big white thing, I follow them and sit by it.
I look up at it.
I look up at my humans.
I meow for food.

I know there is so much food in there.
My humans should let me have it all.

They keep going over to it.
I keep staring up at it.

I has a catty neck ache.

Wednesday, 27 December 2017

Mad humans

I'm very confused by the behaviour of my humans.
Humans are always a bit weird, but I think mine have gone mad.

They keep saying my name in a high voice, in songs.

They sing things like 'jingle Clive, jingle Clive, jingle alllll the wayyyy', or 'away in a Cliveyyy, no crib for a Cliiiive'.

They also sing 'we wish you a merry Clivey, we wish you a merry Clivey', 'driving home for Clivey', and 'rockin' around the Clivey-chops, have a happy holiday'.

I'm very confused by all of this.
The noises they make are very bad, and make my little ears go back.
I just stare up at the humans, or run away.

I hope they stop being so weird.

Saturday, 16 December 2017

Helping my human

My human was at home yesterday - all day.
This hasn't happened for a while.

I liked it because it meant I got food whenever I asked for it, and some chin tickles.

At one point, I saw that he was struggling with something. He kept putting his hands to his head, or burying his face in his hands - making huffing noises.

I decided to help him.
I went over and sat next to him. I stared at him, then blinked at him. Then I headbutted his arm lots, and wiped my face on it.

This seemed to cheer him up, and he kept saying 'silly Clive'.

I purred, then asked for more food.

Happy to help my human.

Sunday, 10 December 2017

Quiet naps

I has a new napping spot - a secret napping spot.

My humans put clothes on these big tall things, then leave them there.
With all the clothes on them, these tall things have good hiding spaces at the bottom - nice and dark.

I can go there for naps and my humans can't find me, so they can't wake me up with face smooshes, then call me 'cute'.

I like my new, dark, napping, hiding place.

Saturday, 9 December 2017

New plan

If I needed attention from the humans during the night, I had a simple plan - flap at things with my paws, until they woke up.

I could flap at the mat by the door to their napping room.
I could flap at, or claw, the soft floor.
I could claw the bits of soft floor by the doors.

But the humans did this...

Now I cannot flap at the mat or claw the carpet to get attention.

This means that if I has a hungry during the night, or feel the urgent need to have my face stroked, I can't get the humans to do what I want.

But I have a new, very simple, plan.
If I need attention during the night, I simply sit on my human's chest, stare down at him, and wait for him to wake up.
I'm quite heavy, so he usually wakes up and says 'Clive, I can't breathe'.
I purr at him, and dribble.
He says 'idiot', then strokes my face and gives me ear scritches.

I like my new plan.

It works.

Sunday, 3 December 2017

What is it?

My human came into the house with something in a bag.
It smelt of food.
I was interested.

I meowed at him, then followed him with my tail held high - I was excited.

He sat down on the big, comfy chair.
I jumped up onto the chair, and sat next to him - staring.

He pulled the food out of the bag.
I moved closer and reached out with a paw.

My human said 'bugger off, Clive'.

He had the food in his hand.
I moved closer again - sniffing.

He said 'it's a pastry, Clive - you wouldn't be interested'.

I reached out with my paw again.

He let me sniff it.
It didn't smell of meat or fish.
I wasn't interested.

I jumped down from the big, comfy chair
and went upstairs for a nap.

Saturday, 2 December 2017


I was sat by the window, looking out at birds and chattering at them.
I was also next to the big warm thing, which was nice - it made my tail and bum warm.

I was next to the cloth thing, which I've heard my human call 'curtain', when I stepped forward... and suddenly I was in darkness.

I was caught inside the 'curtain'. I was stuck between two bits of cloth.

I thought I'd get stuck there forever.
I flapped and flapped with my paws.
I meowed for my humans to come to me.
I kept flapping.
I thought I'd be trapped forever.
I meowed louder.

Suddenly the 'curtain' lifted, I saw my human's face, and I was free.

He said 'silly cat'.

I meowed at him.

I was happy not to be trapped any more.
I thought I'd be stuck forever.

Sunday, 26 November 2017

Too much stuff

I like to wander over to my human, to see what he's up to and to get some attention.

I wish he was more tidy though. I wish he didn't leave stuff everywhere.

It's hard to step over everything to get to him, and bits of paper are all slippery under my paws.

Also, I can't tell what's food and what isn't - so I have to sniff everything, just in case.

Silly, messy human.

Saturday, 25 November 2017

Up and up

I was outside before, having a sniff around my territory.

I went over to one corner, and climbed onto a plant pot.

After I was on the plant pot, I decided to climb onto a fence post.

After the fence post, I decided to walk along the fence.

Near the end of the fence was a roof. I decided to jump onto it.

When I got onto the roof, and walked a bit, I realised it was quite high.

My human could see me, and he opened a window and said 'Hi Clive'.

I meowed at him as I wasn't sure how to get down from the roof.

He said 'hi' again, in a silly voice.

I didn't want him to talk - I wanted a way to get down from the roof.
I meowed at him again, for help. He didn't understand.

He closed the window.

It took me a long time - with lots of sitting, staring, and licking my paws - but I found a way off the roof.

Idiot human.

Sunday, 19 November 2017


I woke up when it was dark, jumped down from my human's bed, and went to have a little snack.

But when I got to my bowl, I saw something terrible... awful... worthy of the loudest meows.

I saw this...


This was an emergency.

How was I supposed to eat any catty biscuits? The bowl was empty.

I was so upset.

I meowed and meowed and meowed at my human.

He rolled over and said 'shut up, Clive'.

The situation was becoming more urgent by the minute.

I flapped at the carpet and kept meowing.
I meowed from deep within me.

Eventually, my human said 'for fuck's sake', sat up, got out of bed, and poured lots of biscuits into my bowl.

He then said, 'now shut up'.

I ate the biscuits.
Everything was better.

Saturday, 18 November 2017

Half warms

It's that time of year when the humans make the big, white, metal things warm up.
I like it when they do this.

I like to sit on the big warm things.

Sometimes I get too warm though, and I'm not sure what to do, because I'm too sleepy to move.

I've found a good place for naps though.
I can have half of my feets and belly on the big warm thing, and the other half on a cold, tiled bit.
Now I can have half warms, and nap properly.
I has a happy.

Sunday, 12 November 2017


My human invited other humans round to the house today.
He makes lots of food when he does this.

He made chicken. A big chicken.

He kept cutting bits off it, so I went and sat next to his legs and stared up at him.

He cut chicken.
He cut chicken.
He cut chicken.

Then he dropped a bit.
I ate it.

He cut more chicken.
Then he dropped a bit.

He cut more chicken.
Then he put a bit in my bowl.

It was worth sitting and staring at him.

Friday, 10 November 2017

New poo tray

I had a lot to eat, then needed to do a poo.

I went to go to my usual place, indoors, and there was something different - a new poo tray.

It was strange, and shiny, and didn't smell of me.

I sniffed it.
I pawed it.
I sniffed it again.

I trusted it, so I jumped in and did a poo.
It works.

I have now claimed the new poo tray as mine.

Wednesday, 8 November 2017


I noticed that my humans do something after they've eaten: they take their bowls and wash them under water.

This is strange.
I don't do this.
But I do sometimes wonder how my bowl has become clean, when it wasn't me who cleaned it.

Last night I decided to help the humans with their bowl washing.

They'd just finished something that had tuna in it. I could smell it.

They left their bowls on a table, so I jumped up, went over to the bowls, saw the tuna bits that were left, and gave both bowls a good wash with my tongue.
I was very pleased with my work.

The female human walked into the room and said 'Clive - get down from there!'

I meowed at her, and jumped down from the table.

I had done some work, so I went for a nap.

Thursday, 2 November 2017


As it gets colder, I like to be inside more.

Luckily my human is made of warms, so I like to find him and sit next to, or on, him.

I like to find him on the big, comfy chair, then sit down on him, then curl up in his lap.

The problem is, he moves a lot.

Sometimes he reaches for a drink that's in front of him.
This means I have to readjust my napping position - standing up, walking in a circle three times, then curling up on his lap again.

I like napping on his lap though.
I has a cosy.

Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Scratchy bum

My poo and wee box is usually full of the same stuff: it's grey, and my human takes my wees and poos out of it.
I'm not sure why he does this, but humans are strange.

I went to do a wee yesterday though, and it's different grey stuff in the box than usual.
I don't like it. It's scratchy on my bum.

I shall complain to my human until he gets the message.

I want the usual grey stuff back in my wee and poo box.

Sunday, 29 October 2017


Sometimes I like to walk over to my human - wherever he's sitting or standing - meow at him, purr, and blink at him.

This usually makes him want to come over and pat my head, or give me an ear scritch.

I wait until he's nearly reached me... then I run off in the other direction.
I usually hear my human say 'mad cat', when I do this.

I wait a few more minutes, then I do the same again - wait for my human to come over... then run off.

I like doing this.
It's fun.

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Vom splats

I ate my food a bit too quickly this morning.

Suddenly, I had to do a big sick.
I did it all over the floor next to my food bowl.

My human said 'Clive - you okay?'

He started cleaning up my sick with some paper.

I went to another part of the room and had another sick there.

My human said 'bloody hell, Clive!'

I did a catty headshake, and left him to clean it up.

I went outside to eat grass for a bit.

Then I felt much better, so I came back inside and demanded food from my human.

He made a huffing noise and shook his head. I don't know what this means.

Monday, 23 October 2017

Nap revenge

I don't think my humans quite understand something...

During the day, when I'm having nice, comfy naps, they'll come up to me and smoosh my face, saying 'ooooh, you're so cute!'
Or they'll come up to me and give me belly nuzzles or make noises like 'joooooojsh!'

This confuses me, and disturbs my naps.

So, when they're napping - once it's dark outside - I like to get revenge for my nap disturbings.

I do this by walking all over their faces, turning round in circles on them, headbutting them, and meowing at them.

It seems only fair, yet they still push me away or sound annoyed. Silly humans.

They disturb my naps, I disturb theirs. That's how it works.

Sunday, 22 October 2017

Kicking wee box

I have something I like to do - particularly if my human has annoyed me.

I like my wee and poo box. It's a good place to wee and poo.

It has lots of stones in it, which I can cover my wees or poos with.

But sometimes, I just like to go over to it and kick the stones everywhere - outside of the box, and all across the room.
It's fun.

After that, I walk off and wait for my human to pick up all of the little stones.

Saturday, 21 October 2017

Need to get in!

I had a nap in a bed in a different room to my humans.

When I woke up, I wanted to see them.

It was dark.
I went to their sleep room, but the door was closed.

I had a sad.

I wanted to see my humans.

I scratched at the door.
No answer.

I scratched and scratched and scratched at the door.
No answer.

I scratched at the door and meowed.
No answer.

I meowed and meowed and meowed at the door.
I sung the song of my ancestors.

The door finally opened, and my human said 'fuck's sake, Clive'.

I meowed my disapproval at the amount of time it took him to open the door.
Then I jumped onto the bed and slept on his face.

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Dangly bits

My human was sitting down.
He was wearing something that looked warm.
It had dangly bits on it.

The dangly bits reminded me of meeces tails.

I sat next to my human.
I reached up and pawed the dangly bits.

My human said 'stop it, Clive'.

I sat down again.

I reached up and clawed the dangly bits.

My human shouted 'Clive!'

I sat down again.
I blinked at him.

I reached up and pawed the dangly bits.

I yawned.

Monday, 16 October 2017


I've been by the window today.

I saw the wind blow leaves left.

I saw the wind blow leaves right.

I saw the sky get grey.

I saw the sky get lighter again.

I saw a magpie.

I saw some humans walking.

I blinked.

I saw a small cat.

I saw splodges of rain.

I curled up.

I napped.

Friday, 13 October 2017

Poo inspection

I think my human has gone weird.

I always think it's strange that he collects my poo then puts it in little bags.
But now he's doing something else.

He barely gives me enough time to do my poo, before he comes over to my poo box and has a long look at what's in there.

He just stares at it and says things like 'too runny' and 'wrong colour' and 'liver'.
Maybe it's to do with me being poorly

I'm not sure what the reason is, but it's odd.
I sometimes sit with him when he goes to the toilet, but I never inspect his poos.

I hope he stops being this weird.
I'd like to poo in peace.

Thursday, 12 October 2017

Strange days

I don't know what happened.

Lots and lots of days ago, I suddenly started feeling really hot. Then I felt really tired.
I couldn't open my eyes.

I went outside and sat under a bush.
I wanted to come back inside, but I couldn't move.

My human came outside and said 'Clive, you've been here for hours... what's wrong?'
I wanted to walk to him, but I couldn't.
I wanted to meow, but I couldn't.

My human picked me up and carried me inside.

He put me on my favourite chair, stroked my head, and said 'what's wrong, Clive?'
I tried to purr, but I couldn't.
I tried to blink, but it was too much effort to open my eyes.
I was really hot.

My human brought me some food.
It was ham. I like ham.
It made me feel sick. I turned my face away.
I had a pain in my side.

I slept.

My human took me upstairs and put me on the bed.

In the night, I tried to go downstairs, but couldn't make it, so I slept on the step I stopped on.

My human found me there and said 'Oh, Clive...'
I couldn't open my eyes.
I was so hot.

I remember being put in my catty box.
I remember seeing a catty doctor.
I remember something being put up my bum, and the catty doctor saying 'very high temperature'.
I remember something sharp being put in my neck, and the word 'antibiotic'.
I remember my human looking sad and trying to give me an ear scritch.
I remember the catty doctor carrying me to a metal cage and putting me in it, on a soft blanket.
I remember the catty doctor trying to put something sharp in my leg, and I fought as much as I could.
I remember the catty doctor saying 'sedative'... then I don't remember much at all.

I don't know how long passed.
I couldn't really open my eyes.
I was so hot.

The catty doctor put something up my bum sometimes and said 'still very high'.

There was a plastic tube-thing going into my leg.

The catty doctor put something spiky in me and some of my blood went into a pot.
Then they put some of my wee in another pot.

They kept saying 'infection', and 'liver', and 'jaundice', and 'sepsis'.

After what seemed like days, I could hear my human's voice.

The catty doctor opened my cage, and my human was there.
He said 'hey mate - how you doing?'
I tried to blink at him, but couldn't really open my eyes.
He attempted a chin tickle, but I couldn't lift my head enough for him to do it.
He gave me nice ear scritches. I couldn't purr, but I liked it.
I was glad he was there. I thought he'd left me.
I was tired.
My head hurt.
My side hurt.
My leg hurt, where they put the weird tube in it.

My human rubbed his nose against my nose and gave me more ear scritches.
Then the cage was closed again, the vet said something about 'updates', and my human was gone.
I had a sad.

I slept lots.
A catty doctor took some more blood out of me.
Another catty doctor put a sharp thing in me.

Then I woke up, it was light, and I felt a bit less hot.
I could open my eyes more.
I decided to have a wash. I smelt funny from the metal cage and all the weird things the catty doctors put on and in me.

A catty doctor said something about 'much better', and gave me a chin tickle.
They tried to give me food, but I didn't feel like it.
I slept.

Then my human was at the cage again.
I had a happy.
I could purr now, so I did.
I could lift my chin, so he gave me chin tickles and ear scritches.
I was very tired, so I let him hold my chin to keep my head up.

He gave me a meat stick. I chewed a bit of it, but it was too much effort.
He gave me a bit of ham. I like ham. I ate some.
He seemed all weird - his eyes were a bit wet.

The catty doctor said 'much better than he was'.
Then my human was gone again.

It seemed like days and days, then my human was back.
The catty doctor carried me into a room and put me on a black table.
My human had my catty box with him, which meant I was going in it. Was I going home?

The catty doctor said something about 'temperature' again, then put something up my bum, so I bit her.

My human said 'come on, Clive', and I walked into my catty box and settled on the soft towel in there.

I was still tired, but I wasn't hot any more and I could open my eyes.

My human put the catty box in the vroom and took me home.
He let me out of the catty box, onto the bed. It was nice and soft, and smelt of my humans. I purred.
I walked in a circle four times, then lay down. I had a really big nap.

I has started to feel normal again.

I feel more chatty and have been meowing at my human.
I've started flapping at paper things during the night. Sometimes my human shouts 'shut up, Clive!'
I can purr again.

My human has taken me back to the catty doctor a few times.
Sometimes they stick a sharp thing in my neck and say 'antibiotics'. I don't mind that.
They also try to put things in my mouth. I don't like this. I bite them.

The food I'm eating is a bit weird. My human keeps saying 'medical food'. I don't know what that means. I miss ham.

I'm getting lots of extra fuss from both my humans though.
I like this.

I'm glad I don't feel so hot and so tired any more.
I'm glad I can open my eyes again.
I'm glad I can purr and meow.
I'm glad I don't have a tube in my leg, and I hope the catty doctor stops putting things in my bum.

I hope I don't feel like that again.

Sunday, 1 October 2017

Strange human food

My humans were eating lots of food yesterday. A male human came to the door and passed it to them. He said something about 'takeaway'.

I didn't know what the food was, but I knew I wanted some.

My humans put the food on the table, so I sat next to them, looked at them with sad eyes, and meowed.

They kept saying 'it's not for you, Clive'.

I kept looking at them with sad eyes.

I meowed again.

I could see that my human had some beef... I could smell it.

He said 'you won't like it, Clive - it's spicy'.

I don't know what 'spicy' is.
I could smell and see beef.
I wanted beef.

My human said 'okay, fine', then dropped a piece on the floor.

I ran to it and ate it really quickly.

It was nice, but it made my mouth feel all funny. It made it all tingly. Then it burnt a bit.

I didn't like this.

I left my humans and had to go to my water bowl.
I lapped and lapped and lapped the water.

My mouth was still hot.

I lapped and lapped and lapped the water.

My mouth was still hot.

I lapped and lapped and lapped the water.

I went upstairs for a nap.

Stupid human food.

Friday, 29 September 2017

Need company

My human was at home all day today.
This was good. I needed attention.

He started off in bed, so I slept on his chest.

He moved to the big, comfy chair, so I got up, followed him, and curled up next to him.

He moved to the chair and table. This made me sad, so I followed him, jumped up on the table, and sat next to his hand.

He moved back to the big, comfy chair, so I sat next to him there, then napped by his leg.
My human is made of warms, so this was nice.

My human has stopped looking at things on a screen, so I'm now sat on his lap.
I shall nap.

Wednesday, 27 September 2017

New thing to flap

My human isn't waking up as easily in this new house, and he's not leaving bits of paper next to his bed for me to flap with my paws.

This makes it really hard when I has a hungry in the night and I need food urgently.

I found a new thing to flap and claw at though. There's a silver thing by the door to my human's sleeping room, and I can flap at the soft floor there.
It makes a scratchy, ripping sound.

If I do this enough, my human says 'for fuck's sake, Clive', then comes down the stairs and puts food in my bowl.

I don't think the female human likes me flapping at the soft floor though. She looked at it and said 'Clive, stop destroying the bloody carpet!'

I don't know what this means, so I blinked at her.

I like the new flappy thing.

Monday, 25 September 2017

My chair

I have claimed a chair, as I do in any new territory.
It is mine.

It is my preferred napping spot and my favourite place to wash myself.

I like this chair to be free whenever I walk into the room.
It is not for the humans to sit on.

Yesterday, I walked into the room and my human was on my chair.
I meowed at him. He stayed on the chair.
I jumped up on the chair, walked all over him, and meowed.
He stayed on the chair.

I turned around a few times, then fell asleep on him.
He's not as comfy as the chair.

I hope he stays off my chair in future. Stupid human.

Friday, 22 September 2017


I was having a nap, when I heard a meow.
My ears turned, to hear where it was coming from.

I heard another meow.
Then another meow.

I jumped down from the big, comfy chair to see where the meows were coming from.

There was another cat, right in front of me - the other side of a window.
It was in my territory.

I looked at it.
I sniffed the window.
It was a male cat - like me.

I stared at him.
He stared at me.
I stared at him.
He stared at me.

I stared at him.
He stared at me.

He meowed.
I meowed back.

He blinked.
I had a scratch.
He blinked again.

I went back to my nap.

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

How many feets?

I know that humans are weird and put feets over their feets, but I saw something strange today.

I has four feets.
They're fluffy and they're all the same colour - black.

But I suddenly saw that my human and the female human has lots of different feets to put over their feets.

They has red feets, and brown feets, and pink feets, and white feets, and black feets, and stripey feets.

Why would they do this?
What's wrong with one set of feets, in one colour?

I like my feets.

Sunday, 17 September 2017

Happy dribbling

I woke up, this morning, needing attention.

I was on the bed, with the humans, so I walked up my human and sat on his chest, looking down at his face.

I blinked at him, and purred, and he obeyed my commands by giving me face rubs, chin tickles, chest rubs, and ear scritches.
The female human joined in too.

I was so happy that I closed my eyes and smooshed my paws against my human's chest.
Then I did a little catty dribble.

My human said 'ewww, Clive!'

I opened my eyes and blinked at him.
Then I carried on smooshing his chest.


Friday, 15 September 2017

Looking in

I understand the magic catty door now - so I can go outside.

I like to go outside.

But sometimes, once I'm outside, I miss the inside.

if this happens, I go somewhere where I can sit and look inside, while being outside.

This makes me happy.

Wednesday, 13 September 2017

Food confusion

I'm not sure what's happening with my food.
Sometimes my human is serving me things in jelly, and sometimes he's serving me things in gravy.
Sometimes it's all fishy things, sometimes it's all meaty things, and sometimes it's a mixture.

I like to eat all of the jelly off the jelly food, but not the actual food.

I like to eat all of the gravy food, including the chunks.

I like the fishy food more than the meaty food.

I wish my human would stick to one type though.
I has a food confusion.

Monday, 11 September 2017

Too much moving

I like being around two humans, and getting equal amounts of fuss from them, but they can also be annoying.

I like to sleep on the bed with my human. He's warm and he has a fat, so he's nice and soft.
It also means I can easily demand food if I has a hungry.

When he's all wriggly, which wakes me up, I can usually move somewhere else.

But two humans means double the wriggling. Both my human and the female human wriggle lots during the night.
This means I keep waking up from my naps, and keep having to move to find my perfect napping position. This involves standing up and turning in a circle lots of times, before plonking down again. It's very tiring.

I wish they'd realise that it's more important for me to be comfy and get sleep.

Silly, wriggly humans.

Saturday, 9 September 2017

backwards forwards

I has a confused.
My human is being really strange... more strange than usual.

I was having a nap on the big comfy chair, when he came into the room and started moving things around.
He disturbed me, so I looked at him and blinked.

He dragged a big, heavy, long thing to the middle of the room, then sat on it.

He pressed a button and this thing made a 'beeeeeep' noise.

Then he started moving backwards.
Then he started moving forwards.
Then he moved backwards.
Then he moved forwards.

Then he moved backwards.
Then he moved forwards.

Then he moved backwards.
Then he moved forwards.

Then he moved backwards.
Then he moved forwards.

I was watching him, but I found it confusing.
Then I got tired, so I closed my eyes.

Weird human.

Thursday, 7 September 2017

Double fuss

I has a happy.
In the new house, my human still gives me lots of attention... but there is also a female human - one I've seen him with before - who gives me attention too.
I like this.

I can go up to either one of them and meow for an ear scritch, for my poo tray to be cleaned, or to get food.
Sometimes I get food from one of them, then get food from the other one. This is good.

But the best thing is that I can get double fuss from the two humans.
I've noticed that they sit together, on a big comfy chair, so if I curl up between them I get double ear scricthes, chin tickles, and head pats. This makes me purr lots.

I like this new place.

I has a happy.

Tuesday, 5 September 2017


I like to have naps in lots of different places - beds, chairs, cushions, and piles of clothes that my human has left lying around.

I like leaving my fur on these things, as it claims them as mine.
Everything in a house is mine.

But I've noticed my human doing something.
When I'm napping on a bed, or on some clothes, he comes over to me with a strange roller thing in his hand, then rolls it all around where I'm laying. It gets lots of my fur on it.

I don't like this.
Why would my human take my beautiful fur off things?

I wait until my human has left the room, then change my position to nap where he's just put the roller. This means I can re-fur things and own them again.

Stupid human.

Sunday, 3 September 2017


I came downstairs to get food, and my human was stood by the magic catty door.

I looked up at him.
I looked at the door.
I looked up at him.
I looked at the door.
I meowed at it.
I pawed it.

My human put his hand to it, pushed it inwards... and it opened.

I put my head by it, and sniffed.
I put my head in the hole... then pulled it away.
I put my head in a bit further... then pulled it away.

My human said 'Clive, don't be daft - it's a cat flap'

I put my head in, lifted a paw up and put it in, lifted my other paw and put it in... then squeezed through. My back legs got a bit stuck, but I was outside.
I was in my new territory.

Everything was different.
Everything was weird.

I had lots of sniffs.
Nothing smelt of me.

I found a small wall and it had a catty scent.
It was only the smell of a little cat though.

I walked slowly round the edges of the big bit of grass.

I could see new bushes. Some would be good for napping under.

There was a really big bush and it smelt of a bigger cat.
I didn't like this. I shook my tail and had a wee on it - now it would smell of me.

I stayed out and had lots of sniffs.

Then I got tired, as I'd used my catty senses so much, so I had a nap by a bush.

I has lots to explore.

Friday, 1 September 2017

Door for me?

There's been lots of noise in the new place today.
This has disturbed my naps.

I came downstairs to see why there was noise, and because I was hungry, and saw something strange in the door... but something I've seen before.

There was a magic catty door in it. A door just for me.

I've seen these when I've visited other humans, but my own human has never had one.

This must mean I can go outside and see my new territory.

I walked towards the magic catty door, but bumped my nose on it. It didn't open.

I looked up at my human and meowed.

He said 'not yet, Clive. Tomorrow'.

I meowed at him again.

I stared through the magic catty door - looking outside.

I left a big poo for my human and went for a nap.

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Freeeedom!... nearly

I was sleeping upstairs earlier, when I heard my human's voice... and another human's voice... and I felt a breeze... which meant air was coming in from somewhere... from the outside...

I slowly crept downstairs, keeping low.

I got to the bottom of the stairs.
I could see my human. I could still hear the other human.
I could feel air and smell outside smells... the door was open!

I got closer to my human... and he saw me.
He said 'no, Clive' and put his foot in the way. I tried to go round it, but my human was too quick, and closed the door.

I think the other human was confused.

My human carried me to another room.

When I left that room, the other human had gone and the door was closed.
I pawed and pawed at the door, and meowed, but it was no good.

I was annoyed with my human.

I have since spent my time flapping at paper, clawing plastic bags, clawing the bed, and sitting on things that look like they'd be important to my human.

Monday, 28 August 2017


I has a bored.
I've explored all of the rooms in the new place and found my favourite napping spots, but I've seen a new territory out of the windows, and I want to go outside.

I want to have outside wees and poos.

I want to mark my territory.

I want to have outside sniffs.

I want to see which plants are good to sit under.

I want to see if there are catty friends or enemies on my territory.

I has a sad.

During the day, I sit by the big window, where it's sunny, and look out.
I turn round and meow at my human, but he doesn't let me outside.

At night, I look out of the window with the big shelf to sit on.
I swish my tail and stare at things.
My human still doesn't let me outside.

I want to see and sniff my new territory.

I shall meow at my human, and sit on things he needs, until he lets me outside.

Friday, 25 August 2017

Less confused

I has had lots more sniffs of this new place, and I'm a bit less confused now.

Not everything smells of me yet, but I'm getting used to it.
I has some new favourite places.

I like the big flat bit, right at the top of the big, long, bumpy thing. This place is good for naps, and I can watch the humans by looking down on what they're doing.

I like the corner of the bed in the room my human first put me in - it gets lots of sun, so I has warms when I nap.

I like the long shelf that's by a big window. I can look out of this window, at my new territory.
I has a bored - my human hasn't let me outside yet.
I have been doing bigger, smellier poos, in my poo box, to let him know I'm unhappy.

I also like the soft, green chair. It's good for napping and dribbling on.

I'll rub my face on more doors and chairs and see if this makes me happy.

Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Even more confused

My human kept me in the strange room for a long time.

He kept coming in to give me ear scritches, food, and to take away my poo.

I was confused, so I had lots of naps and kept quiet.

The female human kept coming in too.
I like her - she gives good chin tickles.

I had a bored though.
Eventually my human came into the strange room and said 'come on, Clive'.

He left the door to the room open, so I walked out of it.

I had a big confused.
Everything was different, and big, and weird ... and nothing smelt of me.

The floor was soft. I used to walk on hard floor.
The walls were brighter.
Rooms were completely different.

I walked into one room and had sniffs.
I left that room and went into another room. I had more sniffs.
I swished my tail and looked up at my human. He said 'it's okay, Clive'.

Then I finished sniffing the rooms and realised there was a big, long, bumpy thing to walk down... and even more rooms.

There was a big window. I looked out of it.
I wanted to go outside.

I walked in and out of all the other rooms. None of the corners had any catty scent on them.

I kept staring up at my human.
I meowed at him.

It was lots to take in.
I went upstairs and had a nap.

Monday, 21 August 2017

So confused

I has a confused.
Lots of strange things have happened.

My human put me in the big, weird, plastic box yesterday - the one that normally means I'm going to see the catty doctor.
Then he put me in the vroom, which started moving.
I don't like this... but I felt quite calm... there was a nice catty scent in the car and my human kept saying something about 'Feliway'.

The female human sat with me, so I had a happy for a bit.

Then it felt like I was in the box for ages, so I got stressed and started meowing.

The female human kept saying 'it's okay', and stroking my nose through the bars on the box.

Then the vroom stopped.

My human carried the box into a place that smelt all strange, and put it down in a room.
He opened it, to let me out... and everything was new and weird.

I hadn't seen this room before.
Things were different colours. Boxes were in different places. Nothing smelt of me.
I had an anxious. I swished my tail. I sniffed things.

My human said 'it's okay, Clive', and gave me an ear scritch.

There was a poo and wee box in the room, some water, and some food.
I ate the food.

I had some more sniffs.
I stared at my human.

I found my old catty bed, but I didn't want to sleep on it.
I saw a strange bed and jumped up onto it. I found a comfy corner of it and had a nap.

I've been in this strange, new room for a while.
My human keeps coming in and giving me chin tickles and food.

I has a confused.

Wednesday, 16 August 2017

Maximum belly rubs

I has a happy.
I has had lots of naps in lots of different places today.

Sometimes I like ear scritches, chin tickles, and belly rubs when I'm napping.
But sometimes this annoys me and I put my paws over my face and curl up.

Sometimes I like maximum belly rubs though.

Today, I wanted maximum belly rubs while I napped.

I stretched out in full, waited for my human, then blinked and meowed at him.
He did as he was told.
I has a happy.

Monday, 14 August 2017

Human claws

I was looking at my human's claws today, on his upper paws, and I noticed that they were shorter than when I saw them yesterday.
I blinked at my human to show him that I'd seen this.

I has a confused though.
I never see him clip them, and I've never seen another human clip them for him. How did they get shorter?

I never see him scratch anything with them, either - not a chair, a bed, or a tree. How does he know what he does and doesn't own?

And his claws don't retract. They just stay there at the end of his paws.
What's the point of human claws?
Humans are odd.


Saturday, 12 August 2017

Human returns

I has had a confused.
My human hadn't been around for a long time, and I didn't know why.

Then - yesterday - he appeared.

I walked in, walked past him, pretended I wasn't interested in him, and led him to my food bowl.
He put out some cod in jelly. Good human.

After I had my cod in jelly, I demanded some more cod in jelly.

Then I jumped onto my human's bed and fell asleep near him.
Later on, I moved and slept on his face.

I have now gone outside to nap on the mud.

I'm glad my food-giver, belly-rubber, and chin-tickler has returned... but I won't let him know this.

Sunday, 23 July 2017

Not fooled

I think my human thinks I'm stupid.

Sometimes, when I'm hungry, I'll meow by my bowl and there's some old, dry food in there - with no jelly left on the chunks.
I don't like these bits - they smell funny.

My human will lift the bowl up, to put new food in, and I get excited.
He sometimes looks in the bowl and says 'what a waste', but I don't know what this means.

He then puts fresh food in the bowl, with lots of jelly on it, and puts it down for me.

I run over to the bowl and eat, but sometimes... sometimes... I can smell the old, dry food underneath.
I sniff and sniff the bowl, then back away from it and look up at my human. He's left the old food underneath the new food. He thinks I won't notice.
I stare at my human until he does the right thing and removes the old food - keeping the fresh food in there, with some catty biscuits on top. Then I eat.

Idiot human.