I was upstairs, napping, when I smelt chicken.
I like chicken.
I followed the smell and found my two humans eating, in the room with the big comfy chairs.
I sat down next to them and stared - waiting for them to do the right thing.
I kept staring.
Finally, my male human said 'oh, go on then', and threw me a piece of chicken.
I ate it quickly, licked my face, then went back to staring.
My female human said 'come on then - come round here', and gave me another piece of chicken.
I kept staring, and got two more bits of chicken.
This is a personal best - usually, I only get one or two bits, if any.
My staring worked well.
I has a happy.
I has seen my humans making lots of lists of things recently.
I'm not sure why, but they seem to do that a lot more at this time of year.
I has decided to copy them and make my own list - Things That Make Me Purr:
Food
Food
Food
Ham
Food
Belly rubs
Ear scritches
Chin tickles
Sitting on something my human needs to see/use
Flapping at / clawing bits of paper
Sleeping on top of the big, white, warm thing
Food.
My human fed me, but I was still hungry, so I went over to the big tall white thing and meowed for ham...
'Haaam'
'Haaaaaam'
'Haaaaaaaaaam'
My human finally understood, opening the big tall white thing and giving me bits of ham. I was happy.
Then she suddenly stopped giving me ham, showing me the pack and saying 'empty'. There was nothing in it.
I was devastated.
My world had ended.
I didn't know what to do.
I decided to nap by the big warm white thing until I was less sad. This seemed to work.
I has decided that I would like to be fed in a new way, but I'm struggling to get my humans to understand this.
I like to eat half a pack of food upstairs, outside the humans' sleeping room, then I like to go downstairs and eat half a pack in the humans' food room.
My humans have been slow to understand this. It has taken many meows, blinks, stares, and walks down the stairs.
They now know what to do, but they huff and puff a lot when they do it, and say 'oh Clive, for goodness sake'. They just need to learn a bit quicker.
The new cat that comes into my house is young, but is slowly starting to learn things from me.
I've shown him how to meow in the right tone, for food.
I've shown him how to stare at a human until they do the right thing.
I've taught him how to flap at an object, with his paws, to get attention.
I've taught him how to sit up properly.
I've taught him to spot birds through the window.
He has much to learn, but he will come to know it all, eventually.
My humans were having something strange done to the big front door today.
Two other humans used machines on it, then covered it in white stuff.
I tried to get attention from these humans, by rubbing against them, but they didn't respond. I had a sad.
They said something to my usual human about 'wet paint', then left.
I wanted to go outside, so I walked after them, then there was something icky on my paws. It was white.
Everywhere I stepped, I left a mark.
I tried to lick it off, but it tasted horrible, so now I have icky, white paws and I don't know what to do.
I'm not happy. I think I'll go to another human's house and wipe my paws on their floor.
I know how to leave my usual house through the flap at the back door.
I know how to paw at the big door at the front, so that my human lets me in.
But I has found a new way to leave the house. I has found a new flap.
To use this flap, I walk across the table, sit on a ledge, then paw, paw, paw at the large flap.
I look round, to see if my human is coming.
If not, I paw, paw, paw at the large flap... then start clawing it.
Eventually, my human says 'Clive! Stop it!', then comes over.
He mutters something about 'destroying the window', then opens the big flap.
I wait, and wait, and wait... then I jump out of the flap, onto the grass.
If I get bored quickly, I claw at the big door.
I like this new flap. I think I'll use it more often.
I has been playing a game.
There's a bush, in my territory, that's covered in little round orange things.
I like to stare at them.
I like to stare at them because they fall off.
I don't know when they'll fall off, but I like to wait... then pounce on them as they fall.
Sometimes they fall one at a time.
Sometimes they fall in plinks and plonks - one after another.
I like it when this happens, as I have to choose which ones to pounce on.
Yesterday, I stared at the orange plink plonks until it got dark... then I went home and meowed for food.
It's starting to get cold again, and it's getting darker earlier.
When this happens, my little catty brain tells me to go between different humans more often, and go back to my usual humans more - getting chin tickles and sleeping on laps.
Going to different humans more often means that I go to their food rooms more often - sitting in front of the big, cold, white thing and meowing for food.
I like chicken. I like tuna. I like prawns. I know their human names.
But there's one thing I really like that I didn't know the name of: the thin, pink, meaty stuff.
I didn't know its name... until I heard a human say it: 'ham'.
Now I know what it's called, I've been trying to change my meow to sound like that word.
I stand in front of the big, cold, white thing and meow 'ham'...'haaaam'.
I don't think I've got the sound right though, as my usual humans just stare at me and say 'you've just eaten, Clive'.
Maybe my attempt at meowing 'ham' is as bad as their attempts at saying 'meow'.
I don't know. I has a confused.
I will keep trying to change my meow until it sounds like 'ham', or - if my humans take too long - 'haaaaaaaam'.
The human next door to my usual humans is doing something.
He's putting up a wooden thing ... I think it's a fence.
I has decided to help, by sitting and watching him.
He's huffing and puffing lots, saying stuff about 'drill bits', and cutting things.
I'm helping by sitting down and blinking at him.
Every time he looks at me, or says 'you need to move, Clive', I blink.
I laid on the floor for a bit too.
I think I'm really helping.
I hope the human appreciates this.
I ate some food earlier, had a wash, and went out.
It was my female human who put the food out for me.
I was just crossing the road, to go and see one of my other humans, when my usual male human came along, in his vroom.
He got out, I saw him, I meowed... and then I had to come back across the road again, for some ear scritches... and then to follow him back home for some more food.
I wish he wouldn't do that just after I've left the house.
Having to cross the road again, to get affection and more food, is tiring.
Annoying human.
I needed to have a nap in a spot where I could stretch out.
I found the perfect place: on my humans' table - across all of their paper things.
I know they need to get to these paper things, so napping across them gives me an advantage.
If they come over to get one of the paper things, I get maximum belly rubs.
If they try to take one of the paper things from underneath me, I swipe at them with my paw.
Either way, I get lots of attention if I nap on the paper things that my humans need, and I has a comfy.
I don't understand small humans - the ones who are much smaller than big humans, and have higher voices.
Because they're so much smaller, and closer to my size, I think of them as furless cats as they come towards me... particularly if they make squeaky noises, which sound like meows.
Today, I was sitting outside the house of the humans across the road, when a very small human ran towards me, pointing, and shouting 'cat'... in a high voice.
I ran away.
I'm not sure about the smaller humans... they confuse me.
It's been colder the last few days, so I decided to go back across the road and spend some time with my original humans.
Last night, I had a nap next to my male human, on the big comfy chair.
This morning, I decided to greet him... and wake him up, so I could eat.
I walked on his face.
I nose-nudged him.
I gave him catty headbutts.
I rubbed my face all over him.
I pawed at his head.
I purred in his ear.
I forgot how much fun this was.
He got up.
I ate.
If it gets warm again, I may go wandering, but I'll stay at home for now.
I has let other cats into my territory, while I'm roaming, but... I think some of them have been in my house.
I came home for some food, had a sniff around, and things smell of other cats.
I don't like this. It's still my territory.
I made sure that everything had my smell on it again.
I re-rubbed the doors with my face.
I re-rubbed the door frames.
I re-rubbed the walls.
I re-rubbed the chair legs.
I re-rubbed the tables.
I re-rubbed the big comfy chair.
Everything now smells of me.
I hope this warns other cats not to come into my house, or I'll paw-swipe them.
Last night I came back to my usual humans, and ate some biscuits - then I went outside.
There were other cats in my territory.
I meowed and they moved out of my way.
My human came outside and followed me.
He tried to pick me up, but I grumbled at him - I wanted to be left alone.
I jumped up onto the fence, then onto the shed roof.
I looked up and saw all the twinkly things in the sky.
Then I looked across the road, at the houses of my other humans.
I looked left, at two other gardens. I saw a cat creeping along in one of them.
I looked right and could see across five gardens.
I stayed there for a long time.
I had the perfect view of my kingdom.
I flomped on the ground in front of the house of the humans across the road from my usual humans.
I was comfy.
Then I saw my usual humans come home, in their vroom.
I meowed, slowly got up, stretched, then walked across the road.
I sat next to my humans and meowed.
They let me into the house, gave me a bowl of biscuits, and I crunched them.
I meowed a bit more, rubbed against their legs, then went back outside.
I went straight back across the road and flomped on the ground in front of the other humans' house.
I like flomping.
As I'm wandering a lot this summer, and spending time with five different lots of humans, in different houses, I has decided to be generous with my territory.
I has decided that other cats are allowed to use it.
They're allowed to wander across it, see my humans, and eat a few biscuits.
They can have naps in my territory, and hunt things, but they're not allowed to spray the bushes, or poo near the back fence - that's the deal.
When it gets less warm, I'll be back with my original humans more, and the other cats will have to spend less time in my territory.
For now, I has a happy.
Sometimes, if I has a thirsty, I'll drink the water my human puts out for me, in a bowl.
It's not my favourite water, but I'll drink it. It's too clean though - and it tastes funny.
I like to drink water from puddles, or ponds, or from plant pots and plastic trays the humans leave outside.
This water is nice and dirty - it tastes of plants and mud, and - as a bonus - it sometimes has little insects in it... small snacks.
But all of the puddles, plant pots, and plastic trays are dry, and any water in ponds is now too low down for me to reach without falling in.
There's no outdoor water.
I have to lap at the horrible, indoor, clean water - from a bowl.
I has a sad.
I like the humans who are across the road from my usual humans.
They sometimes let me into their house.
They sometimes feed me.
They sometimes give me ear scritches.
I like to lay down on the bit of ground in front of their house. When it's warm, this bit is always in the shade.
The only thing is, when I'm laying down, one of the humans will come home - in their vroom.
They'll keep moving towards where I am, very slowly... and I'll have to move.
Even though I has a comfy, the vroom still moves, and I still have to get up.
When this happens, I get to my feet, yawn, stretch my front feets, stretch my back feets - one at a time - ... then move over slightly, and lay somewhere else.
The human then puts their vroom by the house.
I wish they'd consider how comfy I am, instead of making me move.
I has a confused... and a tired.
There are so many flap-flaps about at the moment - all in my territory.
It's hard work chasing them... but I want to. I can't stop myself.
I chased after one and managed to paw it, but it flew away.
I managed to catch one and eat it - a tasty snack.
Then there was one on a window. I pounced, but it was too quick, and I headbutted the window.
So many flap-flaps.
So confusing.
My human tried to offer me some ham earlier.
I didn't want it.
He dangled it in front of me.
I moved away.
He dropped it in front of me.
I walked away.
He said 'What's wrong with you? It's ham!'
He doesn't understand.
It's too hot to eat.
Eating means chewing.
Chewing means moving my mouth up and down.
Moving my mouth up and down means using up energy.
I went outside and flomped on the grass.
Dammit - my human managed to find me, yesterday, and take me to the catty doctor.
He had some ham, so I followed him, forgot what I was doing, and walked into the big catty box - which he carries me in.
I meowed in protest, all the way to the catty doctor.
The catty doctor didn't put anything up my bum, but he did pull my mouth open - which I don't like - and prod my ears.
Then he spotted the bite by my bum.
A cat was in my territory. I don't like this cat, so I paw-swiped his face. When I turned around, he bit me near the bum... and ran off.
The catty doctor spotted this bite, said something about 'infected', and squeezed it.
This hurt, so I hissed at him.
He squeezed it again, so I tried to bite him.
Then he said 'hang on a minute', took me away from my human, and two other humans held me down while the catty doctor pressed the bite, and put something sharp into it.
I hissed, and scratched, and tried to bite... but there were too many humans holding me down.
Then, suddenly, my bum bite felt much better. It felt... less heavy.
The catty doctor brought me back to my human, patted me on the head, said something about 'stop fighting', and they put me back in the catty box.
My human took me home, and kept dabbing at my bum bite, with soft things.
I blinked at him.
I licked it, to keep it clean.
I meowed to be let out, but my human wouldn't open any doors or windows wide enough. He said 'not today - not with that bite'.
I meowed, and meowed, and meowed, and meowed... but he wouldn't let me out.
I flomped on the table, and napped all day.
My human kept dabbing at my bum bite.
I wish I hadn't been bitten near the bum.
I heard my human talking on the big thing that he puts to his ear, yesterday.
I heard him say 'vet'.
I heard him say 'tomorrow morning'.
I know that when humans say 'vet', they mean 'catty doctor'.
I don't like going to the catty doctor.
They put things up my bum, pull my mouth open, and prod my ears.
I has decided to hide, this morning, with some humans who live five houses away.
My human won't know I'm there.
I'll come back later today, when it's safe.
I was hunting a small creature in my territory.
It had lots of legs.
It looked like it would make a nice, crunchy snack.
I watched it carefully, then pounced.
It was between my paws.
...then it escaped.
I went over to where it moved to.
I pounced again.
I had it between my paws again.
... it escaped.
It jumped away.
I went over to it again.
I pounced.
I had it.
... it jumped away.
I gave up.
I stared at the fence for a bit.
I saw my hungry friend again today.
I has decided we should become food friends.
I met her in my territory and she followed me into the food room, where my human puts out bowls of salmon, ham, chicken, and biscuits for me.
I had the food with jelly on it.
I let her eat the biscuits.
I don't really like the food once I've licked the jelly off, so I let her eat my leftover bits too.
We both purred, then cleaned our paws.
My humans (and other humans) can do something strange - something they only seem to do when it's warm: they can create indoor wind.
They have these big spinny things that they put in rooms.
The big spinny things push out wind, like outside, but only in a small area.
The humans either stand in front of these spinny things and say 'aaah', or they just leave them spinning - blowing wind across a room.
When it's warm, I like to come inside and sit in front of the spinny thing and let the indoor wind blow over my fur. It keeps me cool.
I like the strange indoor wind.
I has a confused.
I've been watching a bush for ages.
The top of it keeps moving.
I keep staring at it.
It keeps moving.
I look away.
I hear it move again.
I stare at it.
Is it the wind making it move... or is there a bird in there?
I keep staring.
I keep staring.
I keep staring.
I has a friend.
My friend is a girl cat.
I let her into my territory.
Sometimes we rub noses. Sometimes we just blink at each other.
My human puts biscuits in a bowl for me, but I don't like the ones he keeps getting... so they stay in the bowl.
My friend likes the biscuits though, and she gets hungry.
I have decided that she can eat my biscuits, so she comes into my house to get them.
Sometimes my human catches her doing this, and says 'naughty cat'.
I don't mind though. I've usually eaten at four other houses during the day.
My human has a special room that he doesn't go into that often.
It's a weird room. It's outside, but inside.
But when he opens the door to this room, he leaves it open for most of the day.
This is good, because there's so much in this room - so many things to sniff and rub against.
There are boxes to sniff.
There are bits of wood to sniff.
There are metal things to sniff.
There are chairs to sniff.
There's the grass cutter to sniff.
There are pots to sniff.
There are also so many things I can hide behind.
I like this inside-outside room.
I wish my human would open the door more often.
It's warm again.
Very warm.
In fact, I've decided it's too warm to meow... it takes too much energy.
I've seen my human a few times, and have blinked at him.
I've seen other humans, and have blinked at them too.
I have also swished my tail a bit, and rubbed against walls and plants.
I don't mind purring, but meowing is too much effort.
I'll meow again when it cools down a bit.
I like it when it's warm outside.
When this happens, humans leave more things open, which means it's easier for me to wander into different houses.
I can jump through windows, walk through back doors, walk through open gates, walk into different rooms.
I like this. It means I can easily get into places, get food, then leave again.
Then I can go and lie down, with the warms on my belly.
It is hot today.
I want to stay cool...
...but I want to be outside...
...but it's too bright outside...
...but I want to look across my territory...
...but I want to be near food.
I has decided on the best solution.
I was sitting near the house of one of my favourite humans, blinking at the sun, when another human came along, with a dog.
The dog was pulling away from his human, on that weird string dogs have to be kept on.
It was a strange dog. It had a squished face and pointy ears.
It came towards me, sniffing and growling.
I stayed where I was.
When it got to me, it started barking lots.
It was in front of me - barking, and barking, and barking.
I stared at it, then blinked.
It kept barking.
I stayed where I was.
It kept barking.
It was getting on my nerves.
I swiped at it with my paw, and it made a funny noise.
Its human said 'come on, boy - leave the cat'.
They both walked off.
I sat.
I blinked.
Idiot dog.
My human brought some things home, in a bag.
These things smelt of food.
This is because they were food.
I followed my human around - looking up at him and meowing.
He took out a tub of something, and put it on the table.
It was green stuff.
I wanted to know what the green stuff was. Was it good food?
I meowed at my human, so that he'd give me some.
He didn't.
I meowed louder.
I jumped up on the table.
I wanted the green stuff.
I went over to the green stuff.
I sniffed it.
It was horrible.
I walked off.
Idiot human.
I has a new favourite napping place, while it's warms outside.
Over the road, where my favourite old humans live, there's a bush. It has lots of pink flowers on it.
I like this bush. It gets the perfect amount of light and warms, but it's also in the shade a lot - so I can nap there and keep cool.
I spend lots of time under this bush.
I think I might spend all summer there.
I was out in my territory last night, and I got really scared.
The sky started going all kinds of funny colours.
It kept lighting up.
There were lots of flashes, and some sounds.
It made me put my ears flat against my head, and run under a bush, to hide.
I stayed there, swishing my tail.
I don't like the flashy sky.
It's not very nice.
I wish my human wouldn't do this...
Every so often, he chops down the grass in my territory.
This is bad.
When the grass is short, I have nothing to cover me if I stay low, when I'm hunting or if I spot another cat.
When the grass is short, I can't suddenly leap out of it and pounce on things.
When the grass is short, I can't curl up for a nap and be hidden by it.
When the grass is short, my pooing area is more exposed.
I wish my human wouldn't chop the grass.
Territory ruined.
Humans are strange.
Even though water falls from the sky, they still pour or spray it all over plants they have in pots, or just in the ground.
Sometimes, on a hot day, I like it when they do this.
I like to nap in plant pots. They're small, they're round, they're just the right size to curl up in.
When it's hot, I like to nap in plant pots that humans have just sprayed water all over - they're nice and cool.
Humans are strange, but this can be useful...
Today, I meowed at my human until he fed me.
I left the house, crossed the road, and meowed outside another human's house.
After much meowing, they opened the door and said 'oh hello'.
I meowed at them, walked past them, walked into their food room, then sat down.
They must have a cat, as they have food in bowls that are on the floor.
I walked over to one of the bowls and ate the biscuits in it. They were tasty.
I meowed, blinked at the humans, then walked out of their back door.
I jumped over the fence and went to see some other humans.
I've been outside, in my territory, for a wander.
I sniffed lots of things... then I realised something.
I'd walked through lots of floof flowers.
I was now covered in bits of these floof flowers.
These bits won't come off, no matter how many catty headshakes I do.
I look really silly.
I rolled on the grass, but I'm still covered in floof flower.
I hate floof flowers.
My human was home yesterday.
He was sat at two screens.
He seemed quite stressed.
He kept shouting things, or saying 'for fuck's sake'.
I'm not sure what this means, but he didn't seem happy.
I decided I should move next to him, and stand guard - protecting him from bad things.
I sat like this for quite some time.
Then I had a nap.
I has made a decision.
I like old humans.
Old humans seem to be very nice to me.
Whenever I visit old humans, they're always pleased to see me, and say things like 'hello there'.
They also let me nap on their laps, and don't move around as much as younger humans.
And they always feed me when I turn up on the doorstep... even if I've just eaten.
They feed me from their food cupboards too.
I like old humans.
I always look for some if I move into a new territory.
When it's warm outside, I like to go to different parts of my territory, or wander over to different humans.
I then meow for food, or just lie down on the floor, where the warms is.
When any humans approach, I roll onto my back, tuck my paws in, show my belly, and let out a squeaky meow.
This usually leads to those humans saying 'so cute', then reaching down and giving me belly rubs.
I then roll around more, and they give me more belly rubs.
I can spend the whole day getting belly rubs from lots of different humans.
I like this.
When I lived with my human in a different place, I had other humans I visited.
I carefully selected them.
They had food and gave me chin tickles, and kept saying 'so cute'.
I knew I could go and see them, and they'd let me in if I kept meowing at the door.
When we moved to a new area, I missed those other humans. I knew I'd have to find new humans, to get more foods and attention.
I has now found three new humans I can visit: next door, over the road, and five houses to the left (also over the road).
I thought my human didn't know.
Then he came back last week, got out of his vroom, and saw me sitting at the door of the human who's five houses to the left - meowing.
A human came out of the house, and my human said 'is that your cat?'
The human said 'no'.
My human shouted 'Clive!', and I turned my head and meowed at him. Then I ran towards him, as I knew that him being home meant that I would now get foods and lots of attention.
My human said 'sorry' to the other human, told her my name is Clive, and said that 'he gets fed all the time - don't let him fool you'.
The other human smiled, and my human called me a 'naughty cat'.
The other human has given away my plans.
Idiot.
My human got the big choppy thing out today - the thing that cuts the grass to bits.
This means the grass is shorter.
This means I can see all of the little snacks - the ones that have been hiding from me.
I ate four tasty spiders, two crunchy beetles, and a tangy grasshopper.
They were much easier to find, because of my human's hard work.
Thanks human.
There has been a warms outside for quite a few days and nights.
This means there's more to do and see.
There are more of my catty friends roaming around at night.
There are catty enemies to defend my territory against.
There are more meeces, and other small things, to chase.
There are moths and spiders to eat - tasty snacks.
It's warm enough to sit on fences and look up at the moon.
I've been seeing my humans less, and I don't curl up on their bed as much at night... but I like the excitement of the night when it's warm.
The female human was making food before - in the food room.
She was making something that smelt amazing.
I sat by her foot, looking up, and meowed.
She moved to the other side of the food room.
I followed her, sat by her foot, looked up, and meowed.
She was smooshing something with her hands. I hoped a bit would fall down.
I walked round to her other foot, looked up, and meowed.
She moved to the other side of the food room.
I followed her, sat by her foot, looked up, and meowed.
She said 'stop it, Clive'.
I didn't understand, so I carried on staring at her, and meowed.
Then I had to have a nap, because my neck hurt from looking up for so long.
For the first time in a while, I went outside to seek warms.
I went into my territory, sniffed the bushes, then went into the middle of the grass.
I lay down, rolled around a bit, then stayed on my back - with my belly up.
It was really nice.
My fluffy belly got all warm.
I stayed outside for a long time.
