Thursday, 30 October 2014

Belly rubs

I like belly rubs. They're nice. They make me feel all fuzzy.

Humans need to be better at reading cat signals when it comes to belly rubs, though.

If I am having sleeps and a human walks in, I will sometimes open my eyes, roll onto my back, tuck my front paws in, and look cute: this indicates that you should now rub my belly (although I look cute whether I'm doing this or not).

When you approach, I may let out a little meow to say 'go ahead - rub my belly'.
A gentle belly rub is nice, and I'll show this through purring, closing my eyes, and tucking my paws in a bit more. I may dribble, as well.

However, humans, you need to know when it is time to stop.
Sometimes I will allow you three or four rubs, but this is all I want. If you carry on, I will have to bring my claws together, and my teeth - and attack your hand.

Sometimes, you're not quite rubbing the correct spot. This is annoying and will also result in clawing and biting.

Sometimes I'll think 'oooh, prey' - mistaking you for a mouse or bird - and bunny kick the life out of your hand.

Sometimes I just change my mind, after a couple of rubs, and realise that I didn't really want a belly rub. This will lead to biting.

I do like belly rubs, but humans must learn to read catty signals better.

That is all.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Mmmm, tasty green thing

My human is odd. I think I've mentioned this before.

He keeps lots of plants indoors, even though there are lots of plants outdoors. This makes no sense to me.

Many of these indoor plants are too high for me to reach, or I can only reach them by scattering books and DVDs all over the place... which causes my human to shout and make my delicate ears twitch.

Some of these plants are on low shelves or - even better - on the floor. This is handy.

Sometimes, after food, I feel a bit sick and need to eat bits of plant to make me feel better.
Sometimes, I just want to chew something and a plant is the nearest chewable thing.
Sometimes the plant annoys me, if its long dangly leaves prod me in the face, so I bite it as revenge.

Here is my favourite chewy plant:

One of the leaves prodded my ear yesterday, so I attacked it.

My human wasn't happy.

He keeps turning the plant round, to save some of the leaves. This is good, as I get to even them all out to the same length.

I've just seen a butterfly, outside. 

Sunday, 26 October 2014

A busy afternoon

I was inside for a bit, and bored, so I decided to claw my human's bed.

My human shouted at me. I didn't like this, so let him know with a sharp meow, and by turning my back on him and showing him my bum

I then went into another room and chased some shadows and bits of dust for a bit. I accidentally skidded into a table, which made a noise so my human came in and shouted 'Clive! What's wrong with you?'
I didn't have an answer, so I licked my shoulder.

My human then opened the door for me. I was feeling full of energy, so I ran outside.

I sat on some grass, then - without warning - I had a catty brain spasm and ran across the grass, to the other side, for no particular reason. It was fun though. When I got there, I stopped and licked my paw.

A few minutes later, I had another catty brain spasm, and ran back across the grass again, then stopped.

I then noticed that a nearby tree had leaves falling off it, so I sat underneath it and stared up at it for an hour.

I have now come back inside and will be having a nap. It's been a busy afternoon.

Saturday, 25 October 2014

What is wrong with you humans?

I like human company, but only when I fancy it, not all the time.

If I want food, then human company is ideal. If it is raining and I need to get inside quickly, then human company is good.
If I need a warm lap to curl up in, or just a warm body that I can sleep on top of, then human company is handy.

The deal is that my human should be honoured by my presence, and - in return - he should feed me, provide me with warm places to sleep, let me shred things, and stroke me as and when I feel it's necessary.

What I don't ask for, is unwanted attention.

Sometimes I'll be sleeping - chasing fields full of meeces, in my dreams - and my human will come up to me and blow raspberries on my belly, making a 'vooooooooo' sound, then running off.
I'm usually in a deep enough sleep that I can't claw his face off in time, before he gets away.
This is annoying, as I have to stretch, then find my perfect sleeping position again, which can take several seconds.

At other times, my human will come up to me (again, usually while I'm resting) and put his mouth on my head, making a 'mwah' sound. I have no idea what this is about, but it's irritating.
I usually have to shake my head a bit after he's done this.

He'll also come up to me, at random, and just say 'hellooooooo', in a silly high-pitch voice.
I can read and write English - I just can't speak it - so I know what 'hello' means. Why does he say it to me in a stupid voice? I haven't heard him talk to humans like that.

Sometimes he won't even speak English - he'll just make sounds like 'oo-be-do-be-do-bee', and pat my head. What does this mean?

He even tries to speak cat to me every now and then, with a 'meow'. He can't pronounce it properly though. Sometimes I meow back at him, to show him the right way to say it, but he just doesn't seem to learn.

I have come across enough humans now, to know that it's not just my human who is weird in this way, so I have to ask: humans, what's wrong with you?

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

I haz cheese

I don't get humans. You leave yums lying around and get angry when they're eaten.

I was pretending to be asleep on a chair when my human went past me, carrying something that made my nose twitch and my ears go up.

Human started eating the thing he was carrying. This meant it was food. I like food.

Human made a 'tut' noise, got up, and walked away from his food.

He walked past me, and I shut my eyes tight and breathed a little slower.

I saw him disappear into the food room, where he seems to make all of his yums, so I quickly sat up, stretched, jumped down from my chair, then jumped onto the table.

Human had left his yums unguarded. I sniffed it and it was bread, with cheese in between.
Cheese! I really like cheese. Cheese is good.

I had a little nibble of the bread, but the cheese was too good to resist. I grabbed a piece between my teeth and started pulling it out from between the bread.

I nearly had the whole piece of cheese in my mouth, when human came running in - now carrying a drink - and shouted 'oi!'
I panicked and tried to run off with the cheese, but didn't get the whole piece - I had to leave some behind.

I heard human shout 'Clive!', after me, so I hid in another room and munched my cheese. Happy.

I don't understand though - why do you humans leave things like cheese around, if you don't want me to eat it? Strange.

Sunday, 19 October 2014

Let me sleep

I was a bit bored of my human, today, so I popped into the next garden and wandered into my other human's house.

This human has two cats herself, but they're a bit scared (of both humans and other cats), so I don't see them that often. They do leave food behind though. I always think it's a shame to leave food, so I eat anything they leave. This was the case today.

Once I was full (not a big fan of the biscuits this human gets, but I ate them anyway) I went to find the human of the house.
She was sat on a chair and she looked nice and warm, so I meowed, jumped on her, and curled up in her lap.

Unfortunately, she was a bit selfish and kept moving. I had to get up several times, walk in a circle for a bit, then curl up again. It's hard work finding the perfect sleeping position.
In the end, she was so fidgety that I got up, stretched, and walked off.

I headed outside and went
to the humans on the opposite side from the human I'd just left.

They don't have any cats, so they don't leave any food out. This annoys me a bit, but they do sometimes offer me bits of chicken and they give decent chin tickles.

I found one of the humans, again, sitting on a chair. I jumped up and gave him some friendly headbutts, then spun round a bit, before settling into a nice, comfy nap.

Yet again, this human was fidgety. At one point they got up and plonked me on the seat they'd just left. This is not what I asked for. I wanted a warm lap.

Eventually I wandered home and found my human watching a big screen. I hopped onto him, purred a bit, and settled on his lap, hoping that he'd be kind enough to stay still.
He kept shifting and stretching though, and he wasn't stroking my ears enough. I sometimes wonder why I bother with him.
I heard him say something about 'toilet', then he rudely got up, ruined my nap, and put me to one side.
When he came back, he tried to get me back onto his lap. Not a chance. I decided to curl up on another chair, with my tail wrapped firmly around my nose.

Humans: you can be so selfish sometimes.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

The door

Hunting was a little boring the other night. I accidentally pounced on a lot of leaves and shadows. Had to pretend to clean myself, each time - just in case somebody saw.

I did manage to catch a starling, as it got light, but it didn't put up much of a fight, so not much fun to be had there - just a mouth full of feathers.
It made a lot of fuss too. I like my kills to be quieter.

Anyway, after a nap, I got up, had a wander round, ran after some dust, then decided I wanted to pop outside.
Human was by the door to the outside, but not paying enough attention, so I gave my best 'let me out' meow and started pawing at the door - this was an emergency, I needed to go out.

Human sighed, and pushed the door open. I sat and looked. I looked left. I looked right. The air didn't quite feel right though, so I turned round and walked away from the door.

Human made a 'tut' noise and I went to check on my food bowl.

A little while later, I wanted to go outside again. I let human know, once more, of the urgency of this situation, pawing frantically at the door. He opened it a bit and I strained my neck to see what was going on outside. I put a paw out, then brought it back in again.... there was a funny smell. I don't know what it was, but I didn't like it, so I meowed and walked away from the door.
Human made a noise. It sound like 'for ducks zake'. I don't know what this means.

I got bored again after a while, so went back to the door. Human wasn't paying much attention, so I jumped onto the table, where he seemed to be writing something. I meowed, headbutted his arm, then bit his hand.
He looked at me, so I jumped off the table and pawed at the door again. Human shook his head at me, but opened the door.
I poked my whiskers out, and felt a very fine rain. It made my nose wrinkle. This is my least favourite type of rain.
Human pushed my bum with his foot, to move me outside. I didn't like this, so I let out a squeaky meow and ran off to another room.

I decided to stay in for a bit. Although I may go out again, later. I'm not sure yet.

Monday, 13 October 2014

Type. Sniff. Meow. Hunt.

I was bored last night. My human was asleep and kept moving, so I decided to start my own blog.

I tried sleeping on his feet, but he kept moving. I tried sleeping between his legs, but he moved again. Then I tried sleeping on his head, but he got all fidgety. I didn’t see why he should be asleep while I was awake, so I found something that said ‘Evening Standard’ across the top, and started shredding it to bits.
This woke him up, so I headbutted him in the face and requested food. Several more headbutts didn’t seem to get him up, so I sang the song of my people for a bit. Still no joy.

I decided to wander round the room instead. I sniffed something on the floor, but it wasn’t chicken. I found something that was ticking. I put a paw on it and a light came on, so I sniffed it. It wasn’t chicken. I pawed it a few more times though. I quite liked the light.

Now I was really bored, so I decided to go out for a wander and see if there were any autumn meeces left to kill. I did well last night - caught two. One of them was a clean kill, the other was a bit messy. I still had a few bits of mouse guts round my chops when I came in and licked my human’s ear yesterday morning.

I’ll see how my hunt goes. I shall report back on my findings…