I had a sad.
I hurted my bum bone and I wasn't happy.
I tried to let my human know about this, with sad meows and being annoyed when he picked me up.
My hurty bum also made me walk funny.
My human - eventually - realised something wasn't right. Idiot.
He took me to the catty doctor.
I don't like the catty doctor.
The catty doctor let me walk about a bit, but I didn't like this. Everything smelt weird.
She felt my sides, my belly, then my tail and bum... which was really ouch and made me get angry and go all bitey.
Idiot human.
She put something cold up my bum, which also made me go bitey.
Then she put something sharp in my neck... and everything went all nice, and warm, and fuzzy... mmmmm.
My human took me home in the big box and I was happy.
I still felt all nice, and fuzzy, and sleepy, and dribbley.
I blinked lots at my human. I had a happy. I had a sleepy.
Mmmmmmmm.
I has confusion.
I sometimes poo in my poo tray, which is full of stones, but I prefer to poo outside.
But... I've only ever seen my human poo in the big white thing that he sits on.
I'm not sure where the poo goes. There must be little stones at the bottom of the big white thing, like the ones in my tray.
I've never seen my human poo outside though. Surely he can't just poo on the white thing - that would be odd.
Maybe he only poos outside when I'm not around.
Strange.
I'm not sure what happens at this time of year, but humans have a lot of food.
I was with my humans for a bit and they gave me lots more food than usual. I had turkey, chicken, something that tasted herby, and cheese.
I had a nap.
I went to the humans to the right, and they gave me turkey and some kind of fish.
I had a nap.
I went to the humans over the road and they gave me turkey, and ham, and bacon.
I had the biggest nap in the world, then woke up when it was dark.
I has a happy.
I sat outside today.
It's very warm for this time of year.
I has seen no white stuff and the puddles aren't crackly.
There's lots of rains though.
I sat under a window and watched it all.
A drip fell in front of my feets.
A drip fell in front of my feets.
A drip fell in front of my feets.
A drip fell in front of my feets.
I swatted the next drip with my paw.
I licked my paw. It tasted horrible.
I went indoors.
My human came home and had his big, black bag with him.
He put it down.
I sniffed it.
It had some shiny stuff poking out of it.
I sniffed the shiny stuff.
I pawed the shiny stuff.
I bit the shiny stuff.
I pulled it out with my teeth. It was so long!
I didn't know what it was, but I rolled on the floor with it and gave it bunny kicks.
It was fun.
Good shiny stuff.
I came in through the window, meowed to my human, then went to see him.
He was near our bed, sitting on the floor - surrounded by strange objects, rolls of coloured paper, sticky plastic stuff, and shiny bows.
He kept taking objects, rolling out paper so it was flat, then putting the objects on the paper.
I've seen him do this before, at the same time of year.
I like this paper. It's crinkly. It makes funny noises when I walk on it. It's nice to sit on.
I went over to where my human had rolled out some paper, headbutted his arm, then sat on the paper.
He said 'Clive, I'm trying to wrap stuff'.
I didn't understand, so I blinked at him.
He picked me up and moved me off the paper.
I had a sad.
I licked my bum for a bit, waited for him to roll out more paper, then went over and sat on it.
My human said 'Clive, stop it'.
I purred, then rubbed my face on his leg.
He moved me again.
I had another sad.
Then I spotted some shiny bows and lay down on them.
My human put his head in his hands and sighed.
I was comfy.
I spotted a spider on the toilet room ceiling, 20,000,000 catty days ago.
I stared at it, hoping it would come down so that I could have a nice, crunchy snack.
It didn't come down.
I came back over the next few days and stared at it.
It didn't come down.
I kept coming back and staring at it.
It didn't come down.
My human came into the toilet room and said 'Clive, why are you staring at a corner?'
I meowed my frustration at him, asking him to get the spider down for me.
He said 'awwwww', and patted me on the head. Idiot human.
I has come back today to stare at it.
I don't think it'll ever come down.
I has a sad.
I saw my human do something odd this morning.
He put a fluffy thing over his head, so that it also covered his ears.
I've seen other humans do this, too.
This must be to give him ear warms.
I don't understand. My ears are always warm as I has fur on them.
Why don't humans just grow fur on their ears?
Why don't they grow their head fur over their ears?
Humans are so odd.
I was restless last night, so I meowed at the door to go outside. My human ignored me at first, so I made sure that my meows sounded urgent, until he came to the door and said 'alright, alright - give it a rest', and let me outside.
I sniffed a few things then felt hungry, so I went to another door, because it was nearer, and meowed urgently until my human arrived and opened it. He said 'already? You've only been out two minutes'.
I didn't know what he meant, so I led him to my food bowl, where I meowed urgently to be fed.
After my human fed me, I looked around, saw the window open, jumped up, and went outside.
I forgot there are no meeces at this time of year, got a bit bored, and went to a different door. I meowed urgently and pawed and pawed to be let in.
My human opened the door and said 'for fuck's sake, Clive!'
I wasn't happy at how long he'd taken to let me in, so I did a mini-growl at him.
I headbutted some walls and some chair legs, as they didn't smell of me, then pawed at the door to be let out. I'd forgotted that I needed a wee.
My human just made a huffing noise and let me out.
After my wee, I fancied a nap, so I jumped through the open window.
I went to find my human, as he's made of warms. I walked up to him and meowed, and he said 'Shit! Where did you come from? I thought you were outside!'
I purred, then blinked at him.
I had a nap.
I was asleep on my human's feet, on his my bed, when I woke up and decided I wanted attention.
I walked up to my human's face, stuck my nose in it, then gave him a catty headbutt.
I think my fur got up his nose, because he woke up and did a human-choo right in my face.
This confused me, so I did a catty-choo in his face.
He made a look like he didn't understand what was going on, and said 'Clive? What?'
I didn't understand what had happened either, so I went back down to the other end of the bed and curled up on his feet again.
My human took me to see the catty doctor yesterday.
The catty doctor is strange.
Sometimes she pats my head and gives me ear scritches, but then she'll try to look in my mouth or grab my neck. I don't like this, so I try to bite her.
Yesterday, she prodded me, looked in my ear, felt my side... then she squeezed underneath me... she squeezed my catty bits.
She said something about 'bladder'.
My human looked worried.
My catty bits still felt weird from where they were squeezed.
I was annoyed with the catty doctor.
I did a big wee on her table while looking straight at her.
It was fun.
There's a cat on the edges of my territory that I don't like.
We saw each other yesterday.
I hissed at him.
He hissed at me.
I hissed at him.
He hissed at me.
He paw-swiped me.
I bit him.
He paw-swiped me.
I grabbed him with my front claws.
We both yowled at each other.
He walked off.
I went to see my human.
My ear felt hurty.
My human started looking at me and said 'what have you done?'
He put water on my ear.
I didn't like it, so I meowed.
He dried it.
I meowed again.
He said something about 'vet'.
I went to have a nap.
My ear was still hurty.
I has a sad.
My human came up to me this morning.
I think he was in a good mood as he said 'helloooooooo' in a very high voice, then rubbed his nose against mine.
He gave me an ear scritch, then put his hands on my cheeks and smooshed my face.
He stopped and I had to do a catty headshake.
He smooshed my face again.
I did a catty headshake.
He smooshed my face.
Catty headshake.
Idiot human.
I has noticed something when watching my human eat in the food room.
He eats out of some kind of bowl (although it doesn't look the same as my bowl), but he doesn't eat by putting his mouth straight into the food and chewing.
He does something weird instead. He holds something in his paw, puts it into his food, then brings the thing to his mouth with the food on it.
This makes no sense. It's a huge waste of energy. Why would you use something to bring food up to your face, when you could just put your face into the food?
Humans are so weird.
I've been out today.
It's windy.
It's wet.
There are brown leaves on the floor.
These brown leaves are wet.
They've gone all smooshy.
I don't like these leaves.
They're not good for stepping on.
They get stuck to my paws.
They're all slippery and slimey.
I can't run on them.
I don't like them.
They're the wrong kind of leaves.
I was in the toilet room I sometimes share with my human.
In the corner of the toilet room is a round thing which my human often throws things into and leaves them there.
I could smell something coming from the round thing.
I went over and sniffed it.
I could smell prawns!
I pawed at the round thing. It had a plastic bag in it, which rustled.
I clawed at the round thing.
I jumped up and put both paws on the round thing. It fell over.
Everything inside the round thing went onto the floor.
I pawed at it all. I sniffed - looking for the prawns.
The smell of prawns got stronger and stronger.
I found the source!
It was a packet that said 'prawns' on it... but it had no prawns in.
I had a sad.
I licked the packet for the prawn taste, then left it on the floor.
I had a nap.
My human got something pink and green - it has bits on it that move.
He has tried to put it on me.
He said 'you'll like it Clive, it's a cat massager'
He put it on my neck and it felt horrible, so I moved backwards.
He tried to put it on my face, but it pushed back my whiskers. I bit it.
He tried to put it on my back, so I ran off.
Idiot human.
I was outside and saw that my human was pouring water all over his vroom, then rubbing a yellow thing on it which made lots of little bubbles, and made the vroom look shiny.
Then he rubbed a cloth all over it, which took off all the water and made it even more shiny.
My human stood back and looked tired, but quite happy.
He said 'hey Clive', and I meowed at him.
He gave me an ear scritch and patted my head, then he went inside.
I wandered over to his vroom.
It looked nice, but it had no catty scent - it didn't smell of me.
I went to the front of the vroom, pointed my bum at it, and sprayed it with wee.
I sniffed it.
Much better.
I hope my human is pleased with my efforts.
My other humans turned off the thing that said 'Aga', so I left the warms and came back to see my usual human.
He was in his bed, so I jumped on and demanded food.
I then came back to the bed, walked to the middle of it, licked my bum for a bit, and had a nap on my human's legs.
He grumbled a bit, but I was comfy, and that's the main thing.
I enjoy being with my humans, but I also like my other humans that I visit.
I has been with my human for most nights since it got colder, but ... I crossed the big road to see my other humans, got lots of attention, jumped onto a table... and I was so nice and warm.
Why was I so warm?
Where were the lovely warms coming from?
I looked behind me and there was a big thing which said 'Aga' on it. That's where the warms came from.
I like this Aga thing.
I has stayed with my other humans a lot.
I may stay here a bit longer.
I like headbutting my human and rubbing my face on him. It's important that he smells of me.
Occasionally, as a treat, I also do something that I normally only do with other cats - I rub noses with my human.
I like this. It means I trust him... and want food.
Sometimes he tries to rub noses when I'm not in the mood.
I think he thinks he's a cat.
I came in last night, and my human had the talky thing to his ear.
He seemed very excited... maybe a bit angry.
He kept saying things like 'insurance', and 'shocking customer service', and 'I'd like to resolve this'.
I'm not sure what this meant, but I hopped onto the bed to greet him, and get ear scritches, as that's where he was sat.
He wasn't paying me much attention though, apart from a quick pat on the head.
He seemed to be staring at bits of paper. They said 'policy document' and 'DVLA' on them.
I had the whole bed to sit on.
I decided to sit on the bits of paper that my human was staring at, as these seemed to have his attention.
He said 'not now, Clive', pulled the bits of paper from underneath me, and put them somewhere else on the bed.
I walked over to the bits of paper and sat on them again.
I blinked at my human.
He said 'stop it, Clive'.
I purred and rubbed my face on his arm.
I have a favourite corner, when I'm indoors. It's warm, it's cosy, the light hits it at the right angle, and it smells right.
I like napping in that corner.I like napping on the big, soft chair that's there.
The chair seemed to be different recently. The soft bit seems darker, it smells strange... but it's still in my favourite corner.
My human keeps doing something annoying though. Every time I'm asleep, he picks me up, moves me, and says something about 'not on the new chair'.
What is 'new chair'?
Why does he keep moving me?
Idiot human.
I had a food, then went out for a wander.
I has been past many human's homes and I'm confused.
There are lots of images of me in the windows - black cats everywhere.
Why is this? Are the local humans worshipping me?
Are they honouring me?
I'd rather have chicken and some belly rubs than pictures of me...
The humans are also sticking big, round, orange things by their windows and outside their homes. The orange things have faces on.
I'm so confused.
Humans are odd.
I came indoors before and I was really hungry.
I led my human to my food bowl, where he did as a good human should and gave me biscuits, and beef in jelly.
After that, I needed a nap.
I jumped onto my human's desk, had a walk around, and sniffed a few things.
I saw something that said 'credit agreement' on it. I sniffed it. I turned around a few times, then lay on it. It was very comfy.
I napped on the thing that said 'credit agreement'.
I may have dribbled on it.
My human came back into the room, shouted 'Clive!', and pulled the thing out from underneath me ... idiot.
I saw something dark on the floor.
It was big.
It was a spider with its legs tucked in.
I was excited.
I stared at it, waiting for it to move.
I stared at it, but it stayed still.
I moved forward, keeping my eyes on it.
I was in stealth mode.
I reached out a paw, to bat it.
My paw touched it ... and it didn't move.
My paw touched it again. No movement.
I sniffed it.
I licked it.
It was a mark on the floor.
I looked round to see if my human had seen this.
He hadn't.
I licked my tail clean.
My human keeps disturbing my key nap times.
He keeps walking around making snuffling and sniffling noises.
This catches the attention of my sensitive ears, makes them twitch, and makes me open my eyes a bit to check what's going on.
He also keeps scaring me with loud noises.
He keeps doing huge catty-choos. They must be human-choos.
Sometimes he makes another noise from the back of his throat. It sounds like a bark.
These noises make me jump.
I keep seeing boxes and bottles lying around, called 'Sudafed' and 'Beechams'.
Strange.
I wish he'd just let me nap in peace.
I was outside today, watching the leaves fall.
I saw a squirrel, but couldn't be bothered going over to it.
I saw a Magpie and blinked at it.
Then something weird landed on the grass.
It was bird-shaped, had wings, was green and red... and headbutted things.
It hopped along and headbutted the grass.
It hopped to the mud and headbutted that.
I thought about chasing it, but it flew up to a tree... then started headbutting that.
I then got a bit scared.
It was too weird to chase. If it headbutts trees, I don't know what else it could do.
I went inside and requested tuna from my human.
I was having a lovely, deep, peaceful sleep last night.
I was dreaming about meeces, lying in the sun, and lumps of tuna.
My human started moving, which always annoys me... then he kicked me really hard in the bum!
I yowled and bit his foot.
He said 'ow!' and something about 'a horrible dream'.
I stared at him.
Idiot.
I was sitting by the door, meowing to go outside, when something caught my eye... spider!
I saw it scrambling across the floor.
Must pounce!
I turned, did a bum wiggle, and jumped over to it... but it suddenly went left... under the big, comfy chair.
My ears went forward.
My whiskers went forward.
My eyes were wide.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
It started getting dark.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I will wait.
I think my human thinks I'm silly.
In the big box of my food, there are only the red packets left. They say 'beef' on them.
I don't like the red packets.
I only like the green 'tuna' packets, the pink 'salmon' packets... and the yellow 'chicken' packets are okay.
There was some food out this morning from a red packet. I sniffed it, then backed away and looked up at my human.
He lifted the bowl up, stirred it with a spoon, then put it down in front of me again.
I looked up at him, thinking: 'I'm not stupid, human - why did you do that?'
I was now hungry.
I meowed at my human.
He opened a new packet and put the food on top of the old food. That new packet was a red one.
I sniffed the food, then walked away.
My human said something about 'fussy bastard'.
I shall wait until he offers me green or pink packets.
It was a tricky night last night.
The sheets didn't quite smell right and my human kept moving.
Because of this, I had to sleep...
Curled up by my human's head.
In between his legs.
Diagonally across the whole bed.
Straight across the whole bed.
Next to my human's left foot, with my chin resting on it.
On the pillow next to his head.
Next to his right hand.
In between his legs again.
I kept hearing him making this 'tut' noise, but I don't know what it means.
It was a hard night.
I has been outside a lot today - staring at trees and cleaning myself.
I has seen some humans.
I saw one human with funny things over their hands, to keep them warm.
It seems early for this. Humans don't normally do this until it's colder.
I don't understand it though. Why put things over your paws to keep them warm?
Why not just grow fur over your paws?
Stupid humans.
I went up to my human, earlier.
He was lying on his bed.
He had something in his hand.
He kept bringing that thing to his mouth.
I realised it might be food.
I went over to him, nose-nudged his arm, and stared at him.
The thing in his hand was glass. It had liquid in it.
Nearby was a bottle that said 'whisky'.
I really wanted to know what it was.
I pawed at my human, pushed my nose towards the liquid, and... ewwww.... owwww.... my poor catty-nose.
I backed away, pulled my whiskers back, and did catty headshakes.
What was the liquid? What a horrible, strong smell.
Why is my human putting this in his mouth?
Weird creature.
A flying, flappy, leggy thing came inside.
It went past me and headed to the ceiling.
I stared at the ceiling.
The flying thing stayed there, bouncing.
It had to come down eventually.
It had to come down eventually.
It had to come down eventually.
It had to come down eventually.
I kept staring at it.
I heard my human open a tin of tuna.
I was stuck.
Sometimes I get caught out by a tricky decision.
I'll be cleaning my back legs, or my belly, and my human will reach out and stroke my face, tickle my chin, or scratch my ear.
I need to clean myself, but ... I like human attention.
In the end, I have to pause while washing my leg, leave it sticking in the air, and accept the face strokes and chin tickles.
Then I realise that I've left my tongue poking out...
Last night I was tired of wandering, sniffing, and hunting, so I came back to see my human.
I hopped through the open window, jumped down to the floor, ran through the toilet room, then jumped onto my human's bed.
Sometimes I just want human company - someone warm to curl up on.
I walked across my human, purring, and reached his head.
I nose-nudged his face, rubbed my face all over him, and he woke up and stroked my head.
I liked this.
I turned around a few times, then lay down on his shoulder, resting my head near his.
I was happy.
I slept.
My human sometimes leaves crinkly things near his bed.
I like the crinkly things. They're fun.
I came in last night and it was dark.
I ate some biscuits, then sniffed the floor.
I found a crinkly thing by my human's bed - a big, orange one.
I sniffed the crinkly thing.
I pawed the crinkly thing.
I jumped into the crinkly thing and rolled about.
My human shouted: 'Stop it, Clive!'
I like crinkly things.
When I'm happy or sleepy, I dribble.
I like dribbling.
I like it when I sit on my human's chest, get ear scratches, close my eyes, and dribble on him.
I like it when I have a big nap and I dribble on my leg. This means I was having a deep sleep.
I like it when my human holds my chin and I dribble on him.
Dribbling is good.
I like it when my human strokes my head, or my neck, with his hands. It's nice. It makes me purr. Sometimes I lean my neck into the hand that's stroking me.
But he tricked me last night.
I was at the end of his bed and was enjoying having my head and neck stroked by his hand. It made me do slow catty-blinks.
When I turned my head, I saw it wasn't his hand - it was something longer, and hairier... it was one of his feets.
This annoyed me, so I bit it.
My human said; 'Ow! Clive!'
I blinked at him.
That'll teach him to use his hands in future.
I has a thing I like to do with my human if I'm feeling friendly.
If he's lying down, I'll make sure I go up to him for head strokes, chin tickles, and ear scratches, but I also like to walk along his chest, go right up to his face, and give him nose-nudges.
I usually do this when he's been very nice to me, or when I'm really hungry.
I push my nose into his nose.
He pushes his nose back against mine.
I push my nose into his nose.
He pushes his nose back against mine.
I push my nose into his nose.
He pushes his nose back against mine.
I push my nose into his nose.
He pushes his nose back against mine.
I push my nose into his nose.
He pushes his nose back against mine.It's fun.
I like doing this.
Sometimes I then fall asleep.
Sometimes I get fed.
Today I gave myself a good wash.
I licked my front paws, then the rest of my front legs.
I licked my front bit and my sides.
I licked my paw and rubbed it on my face.
I rolled onto my back and cleaned my bum and my tail.
I then licked my tummy.
Finally, I stuck my back legs in the air, one by one, and licked them.
I was clean.
I was happy.
I went outside, wandered a little way from home... then lots of water came out of the sky... big, fat blobs of water.
I couldn't run inside in time, and the water blobs kept splashing me. They went all over my nice, clean fur and even went in my ears. This made me do catty head-shakes.
All my licks were wasted.
I was sad.
I was near a tree today.
I was watching it from behind a bush.
I saw something drop down from it.
A bird?
I got excited.
I did a little tail swish.
Something else dropped down, with a 'plop'.
Another bird?
I was really excited now!
I got ready to pounce.
Another thing dropped down and I ran out from behind the bush, pounced on it, kicked it with my back paws, and bit it...
It tasted disgusting... and it was small, green, round... and not a bird.
What a waste of a pounce.
Moths.
Weird, skinny, flying things.
Slow wasps.
Floor spiders.
Dozy flies.
Mmmmmm..... this is my favourite time of year for tasty, little, crunchy snacks.
Happy.
I came into my garden earlier.
It was dark, but my catty vision meant I could see everything clearly.
I know humans can't do this.
I find this funny.
I slowly, quietly, moved towards my human.
I knew he couldn't see me.
He was sitting on a chair, drinking something.
He seemed calm.
I waited until I was right next to him, sat down, and let out a big meow.
He jumped up, spilled his drink, and said; 'Shit! Clive!'
It was very funny.
Silly human.
It rained last night.
This brought out the squidgy things.
The ground was covered with them.
They confuse me.
Some of the squidgy things are long, soft, and slimy. When I try to play with them, they squeeze up; becoming shorter.
The other squidgy things have a hard shell on top of them. Their squidgy bit is at the front, with long bits that stick out.
When I sniff them or try to play with them, they disappear into the shell.
Weird.
I wonder where the squidgy things come from?
I realised something while I was licking my leg: I've never seen my human pounce on anything.
How does he get his food?
I still don't understand why he doesn't have claws and why his teeth are square, not pointed.
Why does he never eat meeces, frogs, or sparrows?
Humans are odd.
My human was doing something interesting.
I walked into the garden with a loud meow, to signal my arrival, and he was standing over a hot thing. There was smoke coming from it.
I could also smell meat.
Chicken!
My human was doing weird things with the meat. It was on top of fire. He was moving it around.
It smelt amazing.
I sat by the burning thing and stared up at my human.
I blinked, meowed, then rubbed against his legs.
I stayed next to the burning thing and stared up at my human.
He took the meat off the burning thing and I followed it with my eyes.
He sat down to eat the meat, so I moved next to him, stared, and meowed.
I meowed.
I stared.
I meowed.
I stared.
I meowed.
I stared.
I meowed.
I stared.
I meowed.
I stared.
He dropped some meat for me, and I ate it. Chicken!
It was hot. Weird.
I went back to staring at him.
I got four more bits of chicken.
I like the burning thing.
I has noticed that sometimes my human is with another human - a female human.
They seem to be very friendly with each other. They seem to like each other.
I has noticed that this female human gives me attention. This is good.
I has also noticed that if I want to get attention from my human, I just has to stand on the female human. If I do this, my human will stroke my head, tickle my chin, and rub my ears.
Sometimes I stand on the female human during the night. She makes a very good platform.
I thank my human for bringing this other human along.
I was missing my human... and I was hungry ... so I came in through an open window last night.
I couldn't find my human.
I meowed in his sleeping room, but he didn't answer, come running, or give me food.
I meowed in the bit outside his sleeping room, but he wasn't there.
I meowed in the main, big room, but he didn't come running. How could he ignore me? I am cat.
I meowed, and meowed... then walked into the food room and he was on a chair, eating something.
I meowed loudly and stared at him.
I could smell food, so I jumped onto the chair next to him and sat down.
Cheese!
I stared at him.
I let out a cute meow.
I nose-nudged his arm.
I pawed his arm.
He broke off a tiny bit and put it next to me.
Cheese!
I ate it.
I looked up.
I stared at him.
I let out a cute meow...
