Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Scratchy bum

My poo and wee box is usually full of the same stuff: it's grey, and my human takes my wees and poos out of it.
I'm not sure why he does this, but humans are strange.

I went to do a wee yesterday though, and it's different grey stuff in the box than usual.
I don't like it. It's scratchy on my bum.

I shall complain to my human until he gets the message.

I want the usual grey stuff back in my wee and poo box.

Sunday, 29 October 2017


Sometimes I like to walk over to my human - wherever he's sitting or standing - meow at him, purr, and blink at him.

This usually makes him want to come over and pat my head, or give me an ear scritch.

I wait until he's nearly reached me... then I run off in the other direction.
I usually hear my human say 'mad cat', when I do this.

I wait a few more minutes, then I do the same again - wait for my human to come over... then run off.

I like doing this.
It's fun.

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Vom splats

I ate my food a bit too quickly this morning.

Suddenly, I had to do a big sick.
I did it all over the floor next to my food bowl.

My human said 'Clive - you okay?'

He started cleaning up my sick with some paper.

I went to another part of the room and had another sick there.

My human said 'bloody hell, Clive!'

I did a catty headshake, and left him to clean it up.

I went outside to eat grass for a bit.

Then I felt much better, so I came back inside and demanded food from my human.

He made a huffing noise and shook his head. I don't know what this means.

Monday, 23 October 2017

Nap revenge

I don't think my humans quite understand something...

During the day, when I'm having nice, comfy naps, they'll come up to me and smoosh my face, saying 'ooooh, you're so cute!'
Or they'll come up to me and give me belly nuzzles or make noises like 'joooooojsh!'

This confuses me, and disturbs my naps.

So, when they're napping - once it's dark outside - I like to get revenge for my nap disturbings.

I do this by walking all over their faces, turning round in circles on them, headbutting them, and meowing at them.

It seems only fair, yet they still push me away or sound annoyed. Silly humans.

They disturb my naps, I disturb theirs. That's how it works.

Sunday, 22 October 2017

Kicking wee box

I have something I like to do - particularly if my human has annoyed me.

I like my wee and poo box. It's a good place to wee and poo.

It has lots of stones in it, which I can cover my wees or poos with.

But sometimes, I just like to go over to it and kick the stones everywhere - outside of the box, and all across the room.
It's fun.

After that, I walk off and wait for my human to pick up all of the little stones.

Saturday, 21 October 2017

Need to get in!

I had a nap in a bed in a different room to my humans.

When I woke up, I wanted to see them.

It was dark.
I went to their sleep room, but the door was closed.

I had a sad.

I wanted to see my humans.

I scratched at the door.
No answer.

I scratched and scratched and scratched at the door.
No answer.

I scratched at the door and meowed.
No answer.

I meowed and meowed and meowed at the door.
I sung the song of my ancestors.

The door finally opened, and my human said 'fuck's sake, Clive'.

I meowed my disapproval at the amount of time it took him to open the door.
Then I jumped onto the bed and slept on his face.

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Dangly bits

My human was sitting down.
He was wearing something that looked warm.
It had dangly bits on it.

The dangly bits reminded me of meeces tails.

I sat next to my human.
I reached up and pawed the dangly bits.

My human said 'stop it, Clive'.

I sat down again.

I reached up and clawed the dangly bits.

My human shouted 'Clive!'

I sat down again.
I blinked at him.

I reached up and pawed the dangly bits.

I yawned.

Monday, 16 October 2017


I've been by the window today.

I saw the wind blow leaves left.

I saw the wind blow leaves right.

I saw the sky get grey.

I saw the sky get lighter again.

I saw a magpie.

I saw some humans walking.

I blinked.

I saw a small cat.

I saw splodges of rain.

I curled up.

I napped.

Friday, 13 October 2017

Poo inspection

I think my human has gone weird.

I always think it's strange that he collects my poo then puts it in little bags.
But now he's doing something else.

He barely gives me enough time to do my poo, before he comes over to my poo box and has a long look at what's in there.

He just stares at it and says things like 'too runny' and 'wrong colour' and 'liver'.
Maybe it's to do with me being poorly

I'm not sure what the reason is, but it's odd.
I sometimes sit with him when he goes to the toilet, but I never inspect his poos.

I hope he stops being this weird.
I'd like to poo in peace.

Thursday, 12 October 2017

Strange days

I don't know what happened.

Lots and lots of days ago, I suddenly started feeling really hot. Then I felt really tired.
I couldn't open my eyes.

I went outside and sat under a bush.
I wanted to come back inside, but I couldn't move.

My human came outside and said 'Clive, you've been here for hours... what's wrong?'
I wanted to walk to him, but I couldn't.
I wanted to meow, but I couldn't.

My human picked me up and carried me inside.

He put me on my favourite chair, stroked my head, and said 'what's wrong, Clive?'
I tried to purr, but I couldn't.
I tried to blink, but it was too much effort to open my eyes.
I was really hot.

My human brought me some food.
It was ham. I like ham.
It made me feel sick. I turned my face away.
I had a pain in my side.

I slept.

My human took me upstairs and put me on the bed.

In the night, I tried to go downstairs, but couldn't make it, so I slept on the step I stopped on.

My human found me there and said 'Oh, Clive...'
I couldn't open my eyes.
I was so hot.

I remember being put in my catty box.
I remember seeing a catty doctor.
I remember something being put up my bum, and the catty doctor saying 'very high temperature'.
I remember something sharp being put in my neck, and the word 'antibiotic'.
I remember my human looking sad and trying to give me an ear scritch.
I remember the catty doctor carrying me to a metal cage and putting me in it, on a soft blanket.
I remember the catty doctor trying to put something sharp in my leg, and I fought as much as I could.
I remember the catty doctor saying 'sedative'... then I don't remember much at all.

I don't know how long passed.
I couldn't really open my eyes.
I was so hot.

The catty doctor put something up my bum sometimes and said 'still very high'.

There was a plastic tube-thing going into my leg.

The catty doctor put something spiky in me and some of my blood went into a pot.
Then they put some of my wee in another pot.

They kept saying 'infection', and 'liver', and 'jaundice', and 'sepsis'.

After what seemed like days, I could hear my human's voice.

The catty doctor opened my cage, and my human was there.
He said 'hey mate - how you doing?'
I tried to blink at him, but couldn't really open my eyes.
He attempted a chin tickle, but I couldn't lift my head enough for him to do it.
He gave me nice ear scritches. I couldn't purr, but I liked it.
I was glad he was there. I thought he'd left me.
I was tired.
My head hurt.
My side hurt.
My leg hurt, where they put the weird tube in it.

My human rubbed his nose against my nose and gave me more ear scritches.
Then the cage was closed again, the vet said something about 'updates', and my human was gone.
I had a sad.

I slept lots.
A catty doctor took some more blood out of me.
Another catty doctor put a sharp thing in me.

Then I woke up, it was light, and I felt a bit less hot.
I could open my eyes more.
I decided to have a wash. I smelt funny from the metal cage and all the weird things the catty doctors put on and in me.

A catty doctor said something about 'much better', and gave me a chin tickle.
They tried to give me food, but I didn't feel like it.
I slept.

Then my human was at the cage again.
I had a happy.
I could purr now, so I did.
I could lift my chin, so he gave me chin tickles and ear scritches.
I was very tired, so I let him hold my chin to keep my head up.

He gave me a meat stick. I chewed a bit of it, but it was too much effort.
He gave me a bit of ham. I like ham. I ate some.
He seemed all weird - his eyes were a bit wet.

The catty doctor said 'much better than he was'.
Then my human was gone again.

It seemed like days and days, then my human was back.
The catty doctor carried me into a room and put me on a black table.
My human had my catty box with him, which meant I was going in it. Was I going home?

The catty doctor said something about 'temperature' again, then put something up my bum, so I bit her.

My human said 'come on, Clive', and I walked into my catty box and settled on the soft towel in there.

I was still tired, but I wasn't hot any more and I could open my eyes.

My human put the catty box in the vroom and took me home.
He let me out of the catty box, onto the bed. It was nice and soft, and smelt of my humans. I purred.
I walked in a circle four times, then lay down. I had a really big nap.

I has started to feel normal again.

I feel more chatty and have been meowing at my human.
I've started flapping at paper things during the night. Sometimes my human shouts 'shut up, Clive!'
I can purr again.

My human has taken me back to the catty doctor a few times.
Sometimes they stick a sharp thing in my neck and say 'antibiotics'. I don't mind that.
They also try to put things in my mouth. I don't like this. I bite them.

The food I'm eating is a bit weird. My human keeps saying 'medical food'. I don't know what that means. I miss ham.

I'm getting lots of extra fuss from both my humans though.
I like this.

I'm glad I don't feel so hot and so tired any more.
I'm glad I can open my eyes again.
I'm glad I can purr and meow.
I'm glad I don't have a tube in my leg, and I hope the catty doctor stops putting things in my bum.

I hope I don't feel like that again.

Sunday, 1 October 2017

Strange human food

My humans were eating lots of food yesterday. A male human came to the door and passed it to them. He said something about 'takeaway'.

I didn't know what the food was, but I knew I wanted some.

My humans put the food on the table, so I sat next to them, looked at them with sad eyes, and meowed.

They kept saying 'it's not for you, Clive'.

I kept looking at them with sad eyes.

I meowed again.

I could see that my human had some beef... I could smell it.

He said 'you won't like it, Clive - it's spicy'.

I don't know what 'spicy' is.
I could smell and see beef.
I wanted beef.

My human said 'okay, fine', then dropped a piece on the floor.

I ran to it and ate it really quickly.

It was nice, but it made my mouth feel all funny. It made it all tingly. Then it burnt a bit.

I didn't like this.

I left my humans and had to go to my water bowl.
I lapped and lapped and lapped the water.

My mouth was still hot.

I lapped and lapped and lapped the water.

My mouth was still hot.

I lapped and lapped and lapped the water.

I went upstairs for a nap.

Stupid human food.