I has seen a cat on the internet. His name is Oscar. His human leaves a glass of water out for him.
Sometimes my human leaves glasses of water around, but my face is too fluffy for me to get my head into them.
He also leaves me a bowl of water next to my food. This is stupid. As a cat, I don't like my water that close to my food. It's always the wrong temperature too, and I don't like the bit of floor on which the bowl sits - it's too shiny.
I have better places to go for a drink, outside. There are two puddles I always go to. They taste nice.
There's also an empty plant pot that someone has left outside their house. This is my second favourite place to drink from.
If it hasn't rained for a bit, a house a few doors away has a small pond at the front - I go there for a drink.
I once licked a fish by mistake. It didn't taste good. It wasn't tuna.
I'm going out now.
I've had a few problems this morning.
I've been trying to nap, but one of my back legs won't behave.
It keeps sneaking forward as I stretch out, so I've had to bite it a few times... then lick it, to clean where I've bitten.
Sometimes it sneaks forward, I bite it, then it starts bunny kicking... then the other back leg starts bunny kicking.
In the end, it got on my nerves so much that I jumped up, attacked it, rolled over, then wandered off.
I didn't want to sleep anyway....
I have now found a pen to chase.
I've had quite a tricky day, so far. I think there's something wrong with my human.
He has been lying down all day, and keeps making sniffing sounds. I'm wondering if he's looking for chicken.
It's a bit weird - he's surrounded by balls of white paper and is also making the same sound I do when I bring up a furball.
I have kindly curled up on his feet for most of the day, but am now getting hungry.
I have tried nibbling his toes, but no response.
I've sat on his neck for a bit, but this did nothing.
Catty headbutts to his face haven't woken him.
A few paw-swipes and claws to the face have only caused him to say 'urgh'.
I'm not sure what to do. I might starve.
Does anyone know what's wrong with my human?
I'm a good cat to my human.
I always curl up on his head to keep him warm at night, I rub against his legs to let him know that I own him, I shred any bits of paper that I think he doesn't need, and I tidy up food for him.
I also like to greet him when he comes home - mainly because I'm hungry.
There's something I don't understand. I hear him coming towards home in this thing that growls. Sometimes its eyes are on fire. I think it's called a car. I've seen them before, but moving much quicker than this.
To show my human how happy I am to see him, I run in front of this thing as it comes right up to home, then I sit down, ready to have my head patted and my ears scratched.
My human doesn't seem to understand this, and the thing just growls and growls, louder and louder.
I don't want growls, I want chin tickles and belly rubs.
In the end, I always have to stop sitting in front of the thing and run to the side. My human then moves further forward and the thing stops growling.
After that, I can rub my human's legs to claim what's mine and meow and meow until I get fed.
I quite like my human. He's okay.
Mmmm, tuna.
I've never seen my human, or any other human, clean themselves properly.
I've seen my human stand under lots of water, but I don't know how he can clean all of his parts in this way.
If you really want to wash yourself, you need to use your tongue. How else can you stretch your legs out properly and clean them all the way to the end?
Humans are so odd.
I cleaned myself last night, but something happened which I wish humans or other cats would tell me about: I forgot to put my tongue away.
This makes me look a bit silly. It also meant that, when I saw my favourite lady cat, the first thing I said to her was 'meowth'.
Can someone please tell me the next time I leave my tongue out?
It's windy outside. I don't like wind.
I was on the prowl, looking for some starlings and the pretty Persian next door.
The wind kept pushing my whiskers back, which I don't like. When I tried to walk forwards, all my fur was being pushed back.
Then a big leaf hit me in the face. I had to do a big head shake to recover, then lick my paw to look graceful.
I wandered over to my favourite scratching tree, but some more leaves followed me and hit my back legs. I thought I was being attacked so I ran across the garden, then stopped to lick my other front paw.
I tried to jump over the fence, to see if my pretty Persian was about, but when I got to the top the wind was too strong and I fell over the other side.
When I came back inside, I had mud and bits of tree stuck in my fur.
I wasn't happy, so I went to my litter tray and spread the litter all over the bathroom.
This made me feel much better.
I am now going for a nap.
I came in from hunting last night (all the meeces are sleeping, it was boring) and decided that I needed a wash.
I curled up on my favourite cushion, and started carefully cleaning my fur...
Tail first: flatten down the end, then lick up to the base.
Next, I cleaned my bum, lifting one leg carefully over my head.
After this, I cleaned my back legs - gnawing a tricky patch in the middle of one of them.
I then moved on to the side of my body, being careful to tuck my front paws in, followed by my belly.
Next, I carefully cleaned my shoulder and as much of my neck as I could reach.
I turned my attention to my front paws, cleaning the furry parts, then the pads, then - one by one - nibbling between my claws (bits of mud and meeces always get stuck there).
Finally, I licked my right front paw and used it to rub my face, and my ears, clean.
I was very pleased with my work.
Then my human came along, blew a raspberry on my belly, and - before I could claw his face - ruffled the fur on my side and stroked my head.
Stupid human. I had to start cleaning myself all over again...
Today I scratched my favourite tree, then had a nap in the autumn sun.
I decided to come indoors for a bit, and went to my favourite cushion for another nap.My human came into the room.
I blinked slowly at him.
He blinked back at me.
I blinked at him again.
He blinked slowly at me.
I blinked back at him.
He blinked at me.
I blinked at him once more.
...I then got up to have some chicken biscuits.
I've seen that sometimes humans don't get on. Sometimes you shout at each other. Also, when I look at the things humans read, I see lots of humans angry with other humans.
I think I've worked it out. You don't know how to greet each other properly. I've seen you grab each other's paws, or put your mouths to each other's faces, but this clearly doesn't work well enough.
What you need to do is this:
When you first meet, you need to get onto all fours. I know this isn't natural for humans, but you'll just have to try it.
You don't have tails, so you'll just have to wiggle your bums from side to side for a bit, while you size each other up.
Then you have to arch your back a bit, while you're still unsure.
After this you each have to let out a little whining meow or, as humans, you can use an extended 'hi'... 'hiiiiiiiiiii'
Next you have to circle each other, while keeping eye contact.
Finally, you can head towards one another, drop your heads slightly, and rub noses. You may purr if you wish.
If you follow these steps, humans, I guarantee that you'll get on much better.
It was raining last night so I loudly sang the song of my people at the back door until my human let me in.
He tried to wipe my paws, which he knows I don't like, so I shook out the rain in my fur all over him.
I realised I hadn't marked everything with my scent recently, and when I sniffed some chairs, they didn't smell of me. This is bad. I own these things.
I had to set off round my home, marking everything again. I rubbed against all table legs, an armchair, a sofa, a plant pot, four doors, and I had to headbutt a coffee table.
By the time I'd finished I was exhausted, so I had some biscuits and a nap. I may have dribbled.
I got a bit bored last night, while my human was sleeping. I did try running around for a bit, pouncing on shadows and bunny kicking a couple of plastic bags, but this didn't last.
Then I spotted something that I've seen you humans use. I think it's called a 'phone'. It was next to my human, on the bed.
I pawed and swiped at it, then a screen came up and there was an image of a very handsome, black cat on it. I realised that this was an image of me.
I pawed the phone again, and it made a strange sound, and the image of my face was recorded on the phone.
I've seen pictures like this online. Humans call them 'selfies'.
So, I must've been taking cat selfies, or 'catties'.
I'm so clever ... and handsome.
Here are my attempts at taking 'catties':
I've been out all night, hunting and meeting lady cats, and have just come in.
I went to find my human, immediately: I was hungry and I needed some attention.
I found him on his bed, but something isn't quite right. I have tried nose-nudging his face, sticking my cold nose in his ear, pawing him, and meowing right next to him, and I've had no response. He's just face down, lying still. I did manage to get an 'mmmm' from him, but that's it.
He smells funny too. He smells of food, drink, and smoke.
He also smells of other cats. I can detect three different cat scents. I'm not happy with this. I may have to shred a book to show how unhappy I am.
For now, I will try to see if I can hold off starvation, while my human remains unresponsive. Actually, I'll just have a nap.
