I went to the catty doctor a few days ago and things have changed.
My humans have started to give me a new food and it's yummy - I have to lick the whole bowl clean and not just eat the gravy.
I'm not sure what this stuff is, but it says 'sensitivity' on the pack.
It's almost as good as ham.
But my humans are acting strangely. They'll only give me a little bit of this food at a time, even if I has a hungry.
They're also denying me ham. It doesn't matter how many times I meow 'haaaam... haaaaaam' in front of the tall white thing, they won't give me any.
I wonder what the catty doctor said. I wonder why I'm being given this yummy new food. I wonder why I'm only being given such small amounts. I wonder why I'm not allowed ham.
I has a confused.
I was staring out of the window, earlier - watching birds land on the small tree at the front of my house, and chattering at them.
Then I got bored and jumped onto the table. As I jumped, I landed on something and it made a 'bip' noise.
I was really confused by this, so I stood on it again and it made another 'bip' noise. I stood somewhere else on it and it also made a 'bip' noise.
I stood on it two more times, then it made a 'doo-doo-doo' noise and said 'the number you have dialled has not been recognised'.
I stood on it one more time, sniffed it, then got bored and went to look for catty biscuits.
I saw this today, on the table.
I sniffed it.
I pawed at it.
I batted it across the table.
I walked over to it and pawed it again.
I batted it back across the table.
I pounced on it.
It didn't move or respond in any way.
I don't think it's alive.
I don't know what it is.
Weird thing.
I understand the ways of the wee tray, with lots of little stones in.
My humans have one in their food room.
Other humans I visit have them in all different rooms.
I like using my wee tray, just as long as my humans aren't in the room at the same time, or don't try to make eye contact.
But the humans next door have done something strange: they've turned the entire area in front of their house into a giant wee tray.
It's so big, I don't know where to wee first. I think I might try the bottom right corner - so many places to choose from.
Thank you next-door humans. I has a happy.
Last night I had a hungry - all night.
The first time I needed food, I scratched and scratched at my humans' bed until one of them woke up and fed me.
The second time I needed food, I scratched and scratched at my humans' bed until one of them woke up and fed me.
The third time I needed food, I scratched and scratched... but there was no movement from the humans.
I scratched and scratched again - still no movement.
I sang the song of my people - still no movement.
I resigned myself to starving to death, licked my food bowl to get any remaining scraps, then went back to napping in the spare sleeping room.
I'm still alive. Just.
I went outside and spotted that the humans to the right of my house have completely changed their front garden.
I walked over to it and there was so much to do: things to sniff, things to paw at, things to sit on.
I sniffed all of the bags, pawed at the blue material, and dug up a bit more earth.
Then I went over to the pile of sand, sniffed it, turned around three times, and had a wee on it. It now belongs to me.
I sat on a pile of earth for a while, then came inside as I was hungry.
I went over to see one of my other humans earlier.
I got to their front door and sat down.
I meowed.
I meowed more loudly.
I meowed and scratched at their door.
No-one came to let me in.
I decided to sit and stare at the door.
Eventually, a human opened it and said 'oh, what are you doing here?'
I walked through the door, straight past him.
I headed for the the food room, found the tall white thing, and sat in front of it - waiting for food.
I went for a nap in the sleeping room that the humans don't use as much.
I circled eight times, then settled down into a comfy napping position.
At some point, one of my humans came along and shut the door to the room.
I wasn't worried, as I thought they'd open it again.
They didn't.
When I'd finished napping, I wanted to leave the room, but I couldn't. I also needed a wee.
I tried meowing loudly.
I tried scratching at the door.
I tried to reach the door handle.
I was getting really stressed. The need for a wee was urgent.
I don't like humans seeing my wee. I either do them at the back of the garden or I bury them in the wee tray.
In the end I didn't have a choice, as neither human opened the door. I had to wee on the floor. This made me sad.
Eventually a human opened the door and said 'Oh Clive, you've been in here the whole time - I'm so sorry'.
I ran out, went downstairs, and hid under a table.
I don't like being trapped in a room. I hope my humans don't do that again.
My humans left some strange objects on the table, so I had to investigate them.
I went up to the wiry things and sniffed them.
Then I pawed at them and jumped back.
Then I clawed them for a bit.
Then I wiped my face on them so they smelt of me.
I went up to the big thing and sniffed it.
I gave it a catty headbutt and it fell over. Stupid thing.
I turned around three times and had a nap next to the objects.
The humans have changed something. They've bought a new plant into the house. There was no warning that this was going to happen.
It's a weird, green, spiky thing.
I've been up to it and sniffed it.
I've rubbed myself against it.
I've batted the leaves with my paws.
I bit one of the leaves.
I'll leave it alone for now, but I may have to bite it again if I don't like it.
I was watching my tail today.
I watched it flick left.
I watched it flick right.
I watched it flick left.
I watched it flick right.
I watched it flick up.
I watched it flick left.
I licked it.
I watched it flick right.
Then I wondered - is my tail part of me or is it a separate thing?
I licked it again.
My humans were eating yesterday, so I went over to see them, or to see what they were eating.
I sat down next to them and pawed towards their plates, until they said 'no, Clive'.
My male human gave me something green to sniff. I didn't want it.
My female human gave me a bit of meat. It was beef. Mmmmm.
My male human gave me a round thing to sniff. It didn't smell of meat. I left it.
Then I pawed at a yellow thing on the table.
My male human held it out for me to sniff.
I sniffed it and ... whooooop. Too strong. Catty nose spasms.
I did a catty-choo, then another catty-choo, then another catty-choo.
Then I had to do catty headshakes.
What was that yellow stuff?
Why would humans have it with food?
Why did my human hold it out for me to smell?
Idiot.
I found a blue thing on the floor.
I wasn't sure what it was, so I batted it with my paw.
It moved... but I wasn't sure if it moved on its own or my paw moved it.
I pawed it again.
It moved further.
I batted it across the floor.
I chased it.
I pounced on it.
I lost my grip on it and it went across the floor again.
I chased it.
I pounced on it.
It didn't seem to respond.
Maybe it's dead. Or hibernating.
I bit it one more time, then got bored and went for a nap.
There are two new humans in the house at the moment.
I've been watching them very carefully.
They do odd things, like putting sheets down on the floor, and taking things off the wall in the humans' toilet room.
I have decided to help them, by napping on the sheets and by staring at them.
I've stared at them while they took things off the wall.
I've stared at them while they cut things, outside, using a big, noisy thing.
I've stared at them while they put things back on the wall.
I like staring at them. I hope they stay a bit longer.
I was looking around the room earlier and I spotted a strange corner, on the ceiling. The light fell on it in a funny way.
I stared at it.
I meowed at it.
My human looked at me, then looked where I was staring, and said 'what - what is it?'
I kept staring at the weird corner.
I let out a low yowl.
My human said 'what's wrong? What can you see?'
I kept staring.
I yowled again.
I puffed out my fur.
My human said 'what are you looking at? You're freaking me out'.
I kept staring.
I yowled.
I got bored and walked to my food bowl.
In all of my years of experience as a cat, I've found out one very important thing: if I want human attention, I has to sit in a doorway.
Today I sat in the doorway to the food room, getting in the way until I was fed.
Later I sat in the doorway to the humans' sleeping room, getting in the way until I got pats on the head and an ear scritch.
I'm now going out, across the road to other humans. I'll sit in their doorways and see what I can get.
Today, I looked down at my feets.
I looked down at them for a long time.
I wondered many things:
How did they come to be?
Why are they at the bottom of my legs?
Why are they so furry?
Why are my claws neatly tucked away: why can't they be out all the time?
Why are my front feets different to my back feets?
What would happen if my feets didn't exist?
I sat and thought about this for a long time, then I had an urgent need to lick my side, as it felt dirty.
I've been outside quite a bit today, but I don't like it.
I don't like it because there's fuzzy rain.
Fuzzy rain isn't proper rain. It doesn't fall in big drops.
But it still covers me.
It covers my fur in a fine layer of fuzzy water.
It gets stuck in my whiskers.
It gets up my nose.
It gets in my ears and makes me do catty headshakes.
I've come inside for a nap, as I'm fed up with the fuzzy rain.
I hope it rains properly soon, or doesn't rain at all.
I didn't come home and see my humans last night.
I stayed out all night.
I'm not sure why - I just felt like it.
I sat on fences.
I stared at the sky.
I sniffed walls.
I pounced on leaves on the floor.
I jumped from roof to roof.
I went into two sheds.
I stared at the sky again.
I licked a puddle.
Finally, I came home.
I was very hungry, so I meowed and meowed at my humans.
I wanted ham, but they gave me something in jelly - fish, I think. It was okay.
I enjoyed my night out.
The other cat in the house is learning more and more from me, each day.
Today, she learnt the true art of napping.
I was modelling the perfect napping position when she jumped onto the humans' bed.
I watched her study me, and learn.
The perfect napping position includes:
Curling your body round in a circle, to keep all your inner bits warm.
Tucking your nose in, so it doesn't get cold.
Tucking your front feets in, both so they're out of the way and so that you look cute to humans, giving access for belly rubs.
Tucking your back feets in, so no human is tempted to touch them.
Keeping your head down, but your ears up, just in case there's any danger/you hear a tin of tuna being opened.
The other cat has more or less understood the correct napping position, but is still learning. With practice, she'll get it just right.
The other cat in my house really has a lot to learn.
Aside from talking too much, he keeps doing something odd: he keeps scratching this...
I've tried to show him the way - that there are beds, carpets, doors, and big comfy chairs to scratch... but he keeps going back to this one post.
It's so odd. It's like he thinks it was designed for cats.
I'll keep scratching other things... until I get shouted at by the humans and have to run off.
I was out in my territory, when I spotted something strange - lots and lots and lots of colourful things, all in one spot.
My humans must've been doing something weird.
The colourful things were pink and purple and orange, and nearly all of them were tubes. I had a confused.
I sniffed them and they all smelt the same: they smelt of burning and damp.
I didn't know what they were, but I didn't want any other cat claiming them, so I made sure I sprayed them with wee.
Weird tubes.
I don't mind the other cat that seems to have moved into my house, but there is one annoying thing about her: she meows too much.
I only meow for specific things:
Ham
Chicken
'I'm hungry' (a more general meow)
'I want attention/affection'
'Open the door/let me outside'
'You're annoying me'
'Ow - that hurts!'
Other than that, I don't meow - I just stare.
This other cat meows all the time, just for the sake of it. Half of the time I can't understand what she's saying. The other day, I'm sure she said 'I want to attack the curtains, as I think they contain the devil'.
She's okay, but cats should use meows sparingly - to actually get something from the humans.
