I had a food, then went out for a wander.
I has been past many human's homes and I'm confused.
There are lots of images of me in the windows - black cats everywhere.
Why is this? Are the local humans worshipping me?
Are they honouring me?
I'd rather have chicken and some belly rubs than pictures of me...
The humans are also sticking big, round, orange things by their windows and outside their homes. The orange things have faces on.
I'm so confused.
Humans are odd.
I came indoors before and I was really hungry.
I led my human to my food bowl, where he did as a good human should and gave me biscuits, and beef in jelly.
After that, I needed a nap.
I jumped onto my human's desk, had a walk around, and sniffed a few things.
I saw something that said 'credit agreement' on it. I sniffed it. I turned around a few times, then lay on it. It was very comfy.
I napped on the thing that said 'credit agreement'.
I may have dribbled on it.
My human came back into the room, shouted 'Clive!', and pulled the thing out from underneath me ... idiot.
I saw something dark on the floor.
It was big.
It was a spider with its legs tucked in.
I was excited.
I stared at it, waiting for it to move.
I stared at it, but it stayed still.
I moved forward, keeping my eyes on it.
I was in stealth mode.
I reached out a paw, to bat it.
My paw touched it ... and it didn't move.
My paw touched it again. No movement.
I sniffed it.
I licked it.
It was a mark on the floor.
I looked round to see if my human had seen this.
He hadn't.
I licked my tail clean.
My human keeps disturbing my key nap times.
He keeps walking around making snuffling and sniffling noises.
This catches the attention of my sensitive ears, makes them twitch, and makes me open my eyes a bit to check what's going on.
He also keeps scaring me with loud noises.
He keeps doing huge catty-choos. They must be human-choos.
Sometimes he makes another noise from the back of his throat. It sounds like a bark.
These noises make me jump.
I keep seeing boxes and bottles lying around, called 'Sudafed' and 'Beechams'.
Strange.
I wish he'd just let me nap in peace.
I was outside today, watching the leaves fall.
I saw a squirrel, but couldn't be bothered going over to it.
I saw a Magpie and blinked at it.
Then something weird landed on the grass.
It was bird-shaped, had wings, was green and red... and headbutted things.
It hopped along and headbutted the grass.
It hopped to the mud and headbutted that.
I thought about chasing it, but it flew up to a tree... then started headbutting that.
I then got a bit scared.
It was too weird to chase. If it headbutts trees, I don't know what else it could do.
I went inside and requested tuna from my human.
I was having a lovely, deep, peaceful sleep last night.
I was dreaming about meeces, lying in the sun, and lumps of tuna.
My human started moving, which always annoys me... then he kicked me really hard in the bum!
I yowled and bit his foot.
He said 'ow!' and something about 'a horrible dream'.
I stared at him.
Idiot.
I was sitting by the door, meowing to go outside, when something caught my eye... spider!
I saw it scrambling across the floor.
Must pounce!
I turned, did a bum wiggle, and jumped over to it... but it suddenly went left... under the big, comfy chair.
My ears went forward.
My whiskers went forward.
My eyes were wide.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
It started getting dark.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I stared at the space under the chair.
I will wait.
I think my human thinks I'm silly.
In the big box of my food, there are only the red packets left. They say 'beef' on them.
I don't like the red packets.
I only like the green 'tuna' packets, the pink 'salmon' packets... and the yellow 'chicken' packets are okay.
There was some food out this morning from a red packet. I sniffed it, then backed away and looked up at my human.
He lifted the bowl up, stirred it with a spoon, then put it down in front of me again.
I looked up at him, thinking: 'I'm not stupid, human - why did you do that?'
I was now hungry.
I meowed at my human.
He opened a new packet and put the food on top of the old food. That new packet was a red one.
I sniffed the food, then walked away.
My human said something about 'fussy bastard'.
I shall wait until he offers me green or pink packets.
It was a tricky night last night.
The sheets didn't quite smell right and my human kept moving.
Because of this, I had to sleep...
Curled up by my human's head.
In between his legs.
Diagonally across the whole bed.
Straight across the whole bed.
Next to my human's left foot, with my chin resting on it.
On the pillow next to his head.
Next to his right hand.
In between his legs again.
I kept hearing him making this 'tut' noise, but I don't know what it means.
It was a hard night.
I has been outside a lot today - staring at trees and cleaning myself.
I has seen some humans.
I saw one human with funny things over their hands, to keep them warm.
It seems early for this. Humans don't normally do this until it's colder.
I don't understand it though. Why put things over your paws to keep them warm?
Why not just grow fur over your paws?
Stupid humans.
I went up to my human, earlier.
He was lying on his bed.
He had something in his hand.
He kept bringing that thing to his mouth.
I realised it might be food.
I went over to him, nose-nudged his arm, and stared at him.
The thing in his hand was glass. It had liquid in it.
Nearby was a bottle that said 'whisky'.
I really wanted to know what it was.
I pawed at my human, pushed my nose towards the liquid, and... ewwww.... owwww.... my poor catty-nose.
I backed away, pulled my whiskers back, and did catty headshakes.
What was the liquid? What a horrible, strong smell.
Why is my human putting this in his mouth?
Weird creature.
A flying, flappy, leggy thing came inside.
It went past me and headed to the ceiling.
I stared at the ceiling.
The flying thing stayed there, bouncing.
It had to come down eventually.
It had to come down eventually.
It had to come down eventually.
It had to come down eventually.
I kept staring at it.
I heard my human open a tin of tuna.
I was stuck.
Sometimes I get caught out by a tricky decision.
I'll be cleaning my back legs, or my belly, and my human will reach out and stroke my face, tickle my chin, or scratch my ear.
I need to clean myself, but ... I like human attention.
In the end, I have to pause while washing my leg, leave it sticking in the air, and accept the face strokes and chin tickles.
Then I realise that I've left my tongue poking out...
