What is wrong with you humans?

I like human company, but only when I fancy it, not all the time.

If I want food, then human company is ideal. If it is raining and I need to get inside quickly, then human company is good.
If I need a warm lap to curl up in, or just a warm body that I can sleep on top of, then human company is handy.

The deal is that my human should be honoured by my presence, and - in return - he should feed me, provide me with warm places to sleep, let me shred things, and stroke me as and when I feel it's necessary.

What I don't ask for, is unwanted attention.

Sometimes I'll be sleeping - chasing fields full of meeces, in my dreams - and my human will come up to me and blow raspberries on my belly, making a 'vooooooooo' sound, then running off.
I'm usually in a deep enough sleep that I can't claw his face off in time, before he gets away.
This is annoying, as I have to stretch, then find my perfect sleeping position again, which can take several seconds.

At other times, my human will come up to me (again, usually while I'm resting) and put his mouth on my head, making a 'mwah' sound. I have no idea what this is about, but it's irritating.
I usually have to shake my head a bit after he's done this.

He'll also come up to me, at random, and just say 'hellooooooo', in a silly high-pitch voice.
I can read and write English - I just can't speak it - so I know what 'hello' means. Why does he say it to me in a stupid voice? I haven't heard him talk to humans like that.

Sometimes he won't even speak English - he'll just make sounds like 'oo-be-do-be-do-bee', and pat my head. What does this mean?

He even tries to speak cat to me every now and then, with a 'meow'. He can't pronounce it properly though. Sometimes I meow back at him, to show him the right way to say it, but he just doesn't seem to learn.

I have come across enough humans now, to know that it's not just my human who is weird in this way, so I have to ask: humans, what's wrong with you?