I might try this...

I like to come home for food at night, and then go and see my human.

He's nearly always sleeping when I do this. I don't understand why humans only sleep in the dark: daytime is perfect for naps.

Anyway, when he's asleep I like to walk up his body and onto his head, then sit there for a bit. His head is quite warm, so it's comfy.
Sometimes he moans a bit, or moves about, but I don't mind this. When he's finished moving about, I'll often just curl up on his head and go to sleep.

I've only ever done this when he's lying down, so I realised I'd truly come across my catty hero when I saw this:

 

I really want to try running up my human, and sitting on his head while he's standing. It looks like fun.

He isn't a female human and he doesn't wear that thing - in the video - round his head, but I think I could still manage to sit on him.

The next time he is brushing his teeth, I think I'll give it a try. I'll let you know how I get on.

Kill! Oh...

I had a disappointing morning.

I was hiding in some bushes, when I saw a sparrow across the garden.
It kept moving, on the spot, backwards and forwards in the wind.

I kept my eyes on it, got down low - nearly on my belly - and walked to where I could get a better view through the bushes.

I managed to crawl to some plant pots, unseen, and crouch down behind them.

The bird stayed in the same place.

I kept my eyes on it and swished my tail - getting ready.

I put all my weight on my front paws, pushing my chest and head forward.

Now was the time...

I launched myself, ready for the kill!

I reached the sparrow before it even had time to look up. It didn't move.

I went into a catty death roll with it, bunny kicking it with my back claws.

It didn't struggle.

It didn't struggle because it wasn't a sparrow. It was a dead leaf.

I stopped bunny kicking.

I looked around, licked my shoulder, then came home and ate some biscuits.

I am now going to have a long nap to forget about that leaf.



Not a sparrow...

Unlucky bird

There is a bird I often see. It's black and white. It makes me, and some of my catty friends, a little nervous.

If we see one of these birds, it means that we will get some bad catty luck.

If we see two of these birds, it means that we will get some good catty luck.

If we see three of these birds, it means we'll have a clean litter tray when we get home.

If we see four of these birds, it means chicken for dinner.

This morning I saw just one of these birds. Not good. Shortly after that, I tried to jump over a fence. It took 12 attempts.

I then chased a Starling and got stuck in some mud. It went all over my paws. I'm still cleaning it from between my claws.

When I got home, some water had gotten onto my biscuits and they were all soggy.

Not happy. Please avoid seeing just one of these birds where you can.

In December?

A fly!

A fly!

A fly!

A fly!

A fly!

A fly!



Yum!

Why all the running around?

I settled down, about an hour ago, for a nice, cosy nap.

I was on my human's bed (which is my bed, really... as is any chair, sofa windowsill, doorway), on a pillow, happily dribbling on my front paws, when my human starts running past me, backwards and forwards.

He kept lifting things up and looking underneath them, or just chucking them up in the air, and saying 'for fuck's sake'.
I'd hear him shouting, and moving things around, in other rooms.

I'm not sure what he was up to, but he was disturbing my nap. I wasn't happy.

Eventually, he came up to me (I purred, expecting some attention) and rudely lifted me up, shouting 'for fuck's sake - there it is! Three missed calls - thanks Clive!' 

He then walked off, holding something to his ear. I don't know what it was, but I was annoyed that he'd woken me up. I'm going to stand on his lap and point my bum at his face, later.

Is this food?

Whenever I see my human go into the food room (I think I've heard him say 'kit-chin'), I know that he may well be passing me with something to eat in a while.

Normally, he'll walk past and already have food to his mouth. This confirms that I need to get up from my nap, stretch, then walk over and stare at him.

Sometimes I'll jump up on the table at which my human is sat, and stare at him even more.

Something confuzzles me, though. Sometimes my human will have what looks like food, but it doesn't smell like food... or it just smells weird.
I've seen him with this strange yellow thing in his hand. It has some kind of skin on, which he peels. I'll wander over and meow to show that I'd like to sniff it, but when I sniff it, it doesn't smell tasty, so I walk off.
I've also seen him with a round, green thing with a stalk at the top. This also doesn't smell that tasty.

What are these things? Are they food? If they are, then why don't they smell of it?
Very strange...

Please try to understand

Humans - I often find myself frustrated by your inability to understand the meaning behind individual meows. Could you please take note of the following:

'Meow' - this means 'hi' and may be followed by us rubbing against your legs... if you're not too far away.

'Meow' - we're just thinking out loud. There is no need to give us attention, ruffle our head, or do anything else.

'Meowwwww' - If there's no catflap, this means 'let me in, it's cold/rainy/the wrong type of wind'

'Meowwwwwww' - 'I'm hungry and in urgent need of food... now!'

'Meowwwwwwwwwwww' - 'What's wrong with you? Did you not just hear me ask for food?'

'Meowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww' - 'If I don't receive food within the next five seconds, I may die'

'Meowww' - 'I want to play'

'Meowwwww' - 'I want to play for a bit, then claw your hand to bits'


There are many more meows, but these ones are the most important. Please pay attention to them.

Other cats?

My human came home yesterday and tried to nuzzle my belly and stroke my head... but I became suspicious. He smelt of other cats.

I had a good sniff of his hands (and, later, his legs), and I picked up three different scents. One was definitely a tabby scent.

I wasn't happy. I let my human know this with a few grumbling meows, then I turned round - pointing my bum towards his face - before jumping down from my chair and walking off.

He tried to call me over, a bit later, and tried to get me to sit on his lap, but I ignored him and just cleaned my paws.

I was going to carry on ignoring him, but I heard him opening a tin of tuna and decided to be nice to him again.

I don't like being cat-cheated on, though. I won't forget this in a hurry.


How I felt...

I got 99 problems but an itch ain't one

Humans - how do you get rid of itches?

I've had a look at how you're set up and I can't work it out. How do you get your legs to the back of your ears?

I had itches yesterday. I rubbed myself against every door frame and that helped for a bit.
Then I rubbed myself against my human. I think he thought I was being affectionate. I wasn't. I just wanted to get rid of my itches.

A little bit later - after a nap - I had itches behind my ear. I had to use all of my catty might to pull my back leg up and have a good old scratch until the itches went away.
My human then took over. He scratched my ears until I fell asleep. This was nice. No more itches.

Human on a screen

I has been out for a few days. I found a lady human who has nice prawns. They came in a plastic thing that said 'M & S organic, Honduran prawns'. I'm not sure what this means but it sounded nice and the prawns tasted good.

I got a bit bored with this lady human, so came home last night.

When I came in, my human was doing something strange, but I wanted his attention immediately. I wanted - and deserved - some affection and food. He was busy, though.

He was speaking to another human on a flat screen. I didn't fully understand. I could hear and see this other human, but she wasn't in the room.
My human was also on the screen, even though I was sitting with him.

I realised he was looking towards something, and that thing put him on the screen, so I went to it and sniffed it. Then I gave it a catty headbutt. Then I turned round and showed it my bum, and swished my tail for a bit.

The female human on the screen made lots of funny noises like 'aaah Clive!' and 'helloooo Clive!'
I decided to sniff the screen again.

After a while, my human picked me up (I was having fun, so this annoyed me a bit) and put me down at the end of the bed.
His legs were warm so I fell asleep on them. I was happy.